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Official TT Jokes Thread - Read and Post your Jokes Here!

lonelykimiko said:
Haha 😀 . Thats the monty python one aint it 😛 .
Click to expand...


Thank god i wasnt one of them brave scientists to work on it, i hear one read two words of it and was in a coma for 6 months!
 
lonelykimiko said:
😛 . You just seen it or something?
Click to expand...

No, its actually my fave skit on flying circus, well that and when They have hitler and his staff running as members of the national boshelist party in england. Im just bored, saw jokes and i decided to drop some of them

Hitler-my dog has no nose
kid-how does he smell?
hitler-awful
 
This man went into a bar with a donkey under his arm.

It wasn't a pet, he just had it for kicks.
 
David Beckham is holding a press conference ahead of the big England game. A reporter asks him a question. His reply is:

'Well, I really like the minty ones, but the orangey ones are nice too.'

There is a moment of silence.

Then the reporter says:

'No, TACTICS you thick tw*t.'




NB....MIGHT only be funny to people who a) know that Beckham is famously a bit thick, and b) know what Tic-tacs are. 🙂
 
Hi, Boba, and welcome to TT. I enjoyed the Beckham joke 😀

The following is one of my all-time favourites. It may not be a true story, but it's funny:

--------------


For those of you who don't have kids or are far too young to remember the splendid children's TV programme "Rainbow", this may be a little lost on you ... but it must have been a great episode to watch! Almost too ridiculous to believe ... This is taken from an original Rainbow script and there's no way this could have been done by Accident. Innuendo all the way.

For you non-Brits "Rainbow" was a childrens TV programme in the 1970's hosted by a adult human Geoffrey with two puppets, Zippy a large yellow creature with a zip-up mouth and George a large pink hippotamus. Bungle was man dressed as a teddy bear, the others are people who ocassionally join them in the house where the main characters live together.

The sketch opens with Zippy peeling a banana ...

Zippy: "One skin, two skin, three skin, four"

George: "Zippy, where is Bungle?"

Zippy: "I think Geoffrey is trying to get him up"

We see a view of the door and hear Bungle moaning from behind it.

Bungle: "Geoffrey, I can't get it in"

Geoffrey: "You managed it last night"

Bungle: "I know, lets try it round the other way. Ooooooh, I've got it in"

Bungle and Geoffrey enter the studio with Bungle carrying a hammer and peg kit.

Bungle: "Would you stick this on the shelf, George"

George: "I can't reach, you'll have to stick it up yourself.

Geoffrey (to camera) "Hello everyone, today we are talking about playing"

Bungle: "Playing with each other, Geoffrey?"

Geoffrey: "Yes Bungle, do you have a special friend that you like to play with?"

George: "Yesterday we played with each other's balls. Are we going to play with our friend's balls today?

Bungle: "Yes, and we can play with our twangers as well."

Geoffrey (to camera) Have you seen Bungles twanger?

Zippy: "Oh I have, I showed him how to pluck with it."

Bungle: "It's my plucking instrument."

Geoffrey asks the audience if they can pluck like Bungle

Zippy: "I can, I'm the best plucker here."

George: "And I'm good at banging. My peg's hard isn't it Zippy?"

Zippy: "Well of course it is, your peg wouldn't go in if it was soft."

Geoffrey: "Let's get back to Bungle's twanger."

Bungle: (excited) "Oooooh Geoffrey, we could all play with our twangers couldn't we? Let's play the plucking song. Rod and Freddy can get their instruments out and Jane has got two lovely Maracas."

Singers Rod, Freddy and Jane enter.

Freddy: "We could hear you all banging away"

Rod: "Banging can be fun."

Jane: "Ooooh yes, and I was banging away all last night with Rod and Freddy."

Freddy: ( looking sad ) "Yes, but it broke my plucking instrument."

Rod: (to Jane) "Do you want to blow on my pipe while I'm twanging away?"

Jane: "Oh no, I was banging away with Freddy last night. But would you like to play with my maracas?

Zippy; "No, let's just pluck away with our twangers."

George: "Yes, it doesn't matter what size our twanger is."

Zippy: "I've got a big red one."

George: "I've only got a tiny twanger. But it works well and I like to play with it."

Geoffrey: (to viewers) "Well, have you got your twangers out? And remember, you can bang your balls at the same time. If you haven't got any, ask a friend if you can play with his. Now, let's all play the plucking song."

Everyone in studio: "Pluck, pluck, pluck along, we're going to pluck all day."

Apparantly the scriptwriter and the director got the sack, but not until after the show had been broadcast and several complaints from parents had been received!

*****
Captain Pugwash was another classic kids cartoon that played during the sixties. It was about a Sailing ship captain and his crew, Captain Pugwash was assisted by crew members Master Bates and Seaman Staynes, this played for years and was loved by kids before anybody recognized the crew names as being a play on words.
 
Thanks, Ness! I'm surprised that either story turned out to be true; the fact that the first one is makes it even funnier 😀
 
Well, there is a young pickpocket in Dickens's "Oliver Twist" named Charley Bates who is frequently referred to as Master Bates by the narrator. (Not sure if Charles Dickens intended the pun or not.)
 
So and englishman, Irishman and scotsman drive out into the desert, and there jeep breaks down. Stranded in the middle of nowhere with only what they have in the car, they are approached by an man after a short time.
"There is a camp not far from here, but you will need provisions for the trip" he says

So the englishman goes to the back of the car, and fetches out some food.
"Its in case we get hungry on the trip" the Englishman explains.

The Scotsman goes into the boot (trunk) and pulls out a large canteen of water.
"In case we need a drink on the trip" he explains.

The Irishman pulls out a screwdriver, and removes the door from the jeep, at which point the other men look at him strangely. The man asks "What do you need that for?".

The Irishman merely holds the door up and says "So if it gets too hot, we can wind the window down...."

........

I know, its god awful aint it!
 
Those kind of jokes are brilliant 🙂 Well done!

I used to love Rainbow...and I never saw that episode. Would've been funny!

I heard the story about the Captain Pugwash names.... a friend told me there was also a character called Lieutenant Reacharound 😀

Anyway...

This young blonde woman walks into a new restaurant that has just opened, to meet her friend for lunch. Her friend sees her, and calls her over.

As she approaches, her friend notices that she's wearing a large hat with a dead fox wrapped around it.

'How come you're wearing that horrible thing?' Her friend asked.

'Well,' she said, 'I told my husband I was going to meet a friend in the Restaurant De La Mere, and he said, 'Wear the fox hat'.'

(say it out loud 😛 trust me, it's funny 😛)
 
Come on, somebody must get that!

OK, OK...tough crowd tonight...I'll try another.


A man phones his friend at 2:30 in the morning.

'Dave, I need your help. I was driving home from the pub, and I ran over a pig in the road.'

'Well, what do you want me to do?'

'What shall I do with it?'

'Oh, I don't know...throw it in the bushes, leave it for someone else to find.'

'Right, I will do. Thanks, mate.'

'Right, see you soon, I'm off back to bed.'

'Oh, there's one more thing.'

'What??'

'What shall I do with his motorbike?'





😀
 
a pirate walks into a bar. the bartender notices that he has a steering wheel attached to his crotch. So the piratre sits down and says..'ARR..get me a beer." the bartender does so. As he's handing the pirate his beer, he asks "do you know you have a steering wheel on youir crotch" The pirate replies "Arrr, yes, it drives me nuts."
 
only peeps in my city would get this

but funny nontheless ... regarding the different neighborhoods in my city

Mattel recently announced the release of Limited-Edition Barbie dolls for the San Antonio market.

> > Stone Oak Barbie: This princess Barbie is only
> > sold at La Cantera Mall. She comes with an assortment of
> > Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a longhaired foreign
> > dog named Honey, and a cookie-cutter house. Available
> > with or without tummy tuck and face lift. NOTE:
> > Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with
> > "augmented" version.
> >
> > Windcrest Barbie: This modern-day homemaker Barbie is
> > available with a Ford Windstar minivan and matching
> > velour gym outfit. She gets lost easily and
> > has no full time occupation or secondary education.
> > Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately.
> >
> > Glens Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with
> > a 9 mm handgun, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and
> > a meth lab kit. This model is only available after
> > dark and can only be paid for in cash, preferably
> > small, untraceable bills.
> >
> > The Dominion Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with
> > your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included
> > is her own Starbucks cup, credit card, and country
> > club membership. Also available for this set are
> > Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be
> > able to afford any of them.
> >
> > Selma Barbie: Short, highly tanned and ready to land a
> > husband, we mean, get an education. Comes with
> > standard issue "University of the Incarnate Word" shorts
> > with "UIW" printed largely on the butt. Also comes
> > wearing "themed" sorority party T-shirt, hair in pony
> > tail and a gaggle of similar looking friends, each
> > carrying the latest in "knock off" Kate Spade bags.
> > Honda Civic, undecided major and drunken backward hat
> > Frat Ken sold separately.
> >
> > Converse Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her
> > own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR
> > shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has
> > a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD
> > set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired
> > Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup
> > truck separately and get a Confederate flag bumper
> > sticker absolutely free.
> >
> > Terrell Hills Barbie: This collagen injected, rhino-plastic
> > Barbie wears a leopard print spandex outfit and drinks
> > cosmopolitans while entertaining friends on her boat.
> > Percocet prescription available.
> >
> > Bulverde Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired
> > Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with
> > one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken
> > out of Baytown Barbie's (discontinued) house. Her
> > ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake
> > fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also
> > available with a mobile home.
> >
> > Canyon Lake Barbie: This doll is made of tual tofu. She
> > has long straight faded blue hair, archless feet,
> > hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white
> > socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow." She
> > does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase
> > two West U Barbies, and the optional Subaru wagon, you
> > get a rainbow flag sticker for free.
> >
> > South Side Barbie: This Barbie now comes with a stroller
> > and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED
> > and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his '79 Caddy were
> > available, but are now very difficult to find since
> > the addition of the infant.
> >
> > Cherry Street Barbie: This Spanish-speaking-only
> > Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary
> > plates and three baby Skippers in the back seat, but
> > no car seats. The optional Ken doll comes with a
> > cowboy hat, shovel and work gloves. Ken comes with his
> > own 1979 Ford pickup with a Telemundo bumper sticker,
> > tinted windows, and Our Lady of Guadalupe
> > rear window stickers. Truck is painted primer gray,
> > but wheels and rims are not available. Comes with
> > cement blocks.
> >
> > San Pedro/North Main Barbie/Ken: This versatile doll
> > can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply
> > adding or subtracting the multiple "snap-on" parts.
 
There's a VERY old one that goes....

A cowboy walks into a bar. He notices a clock on the wall. He pulls his gun and shoots it to pieces.

'What the hell'r you doin', mister?' said the barman.

'Just killin' time,' replied the cowboy.
 
Okay. I've read all 40 some odd pages and I felt it's high time I make some of my own jokes. The first two aren't really jokes, par se, but they're kind of funny.

Firstly, this is a situational thing. You have to say this to someone in a very non-chalant way. You'll see why when you read it. My brother made it up, I think. Okay, just go up to some random person and ask, innocently, "Say, what's the abbriviation for American Secret Service?" See if anyone actually answers that. 😛

The second one is something interesting I learned in History class. Samuel Holland was a surveyer for Britian, and for his services, he got a College named after him. It's called Holland College. Samuel, however, wanted it to be named the Samuel Holland Institute of Technology... That was before he realized why it was a bad idea. Imagine having that abbriviation written across the butt of your pants! 😛

Another joke I have is something I heard on the bus. Rubber gloves, you know; the see through kind?, are made by a model (as in some person, not necessarily drop-dead gorgeous) sticking his or her hand in a vat of that rubbery stuff the gloves are made from, and taking their hand out, the rubber drying to fit their hand and then mass producing it. So if this is how you make a rubber glove, how do you suppose condoms are made? 😉 😛

The above joke may not actually be true... I dunno, I heard it on the bus. 😛
 
A nasty one

Guy walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:

"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
 
Stop me if you've heard this one.....

On their first date, Joe took Rose to the carnival. When he asked her what she wanted to do first, Rose replied, “Get weighed.”
So Joe took her to the man with the scale who guesses your weight. He looked at Rose and said, “One hundred and twenty pounds.” Since Rose weighed in at one seventeen, she collected a prize.
Next they went on the roller coaster. When the ride was finished, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. “Get weighed,” she said. So they went back to the man with the scale, who of course guessed Rose’s weight correctly. Leaving without a prize, they went for a ride on the merry-go-round. After they got off, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. “I want to get weighed!” she said again.
Now Joe began to think this girl was quite strange, and decided to end the evening quickly. He left her at the door with a quick handshake.
Rose’s roommate was waiting up for her return and asked how the evening went.
“Wousy!” Rose replied.
 
How do you stop a dog humping your leg?


Pick it up and suck it's cock.
 
A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. “Where are you going?” he asked.
“To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $400 to do what I do for you for free!”
The man pondered that thought for a moment and then began packing his bags. “What do you think you are doing?” his wife screamed.
“Going to Las Vegas with you…I want to see how you live on $800 a year!”
.
.
 
A lawyer opened the door to his BMW, when suddenly another car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
“Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beeeeemer!!!” he whined.
“You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!” retorted the officer, “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!”
“Oh my gaaad…” replied the lawer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, “Where’s my Rolex?!”
.
.
 
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