nessonite1
3rd Level White Feather
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Excellent, Stormy! I have to admit #19 and #20 gotme 😀
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Official TT Jokes Thread - Read and Post your Jokes Here!
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nessonite said:
Guess ya gotta call me Gramps Stormy now, ....eh, Ness?
(sorry I haven't been around...been kinda busy lately....these are trying times 4 me right now) :grind_tee
I'll have a pic of the grand-baby on the way to you soon...! :camera:
(damn...I'm too young to be a grand-pa...lol... 😀 )
Last edited:
nessonite1
3rd Level White Feather
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LOL Don't feel bad Stormy! My mother was 41 when she became a grandmother. 😛 😀 It's not just for old folks ya know!
sole seeker1
4th Level Red Feather
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30 Hurtful Things A Woman Can Say To A Naked Man
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird!!!
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird!!!
His Divine Shadow
Administrator
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HA! Too good. :happy:sole seeker said:
sole seeker1
4th Level Red Feather
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PARROT JOKE
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then, thought, "That's not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then, began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith." :wooha:
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then, thought, "That's not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then, began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith." :wooha:
sole seeker1
4th Level Red Feather
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Another Parrot Joke
On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks, "And why don't you get me a whiskey, you bitch."
The stewardess, flustered by the parrot's outburst, brings back a whiskey for the parrot, but inadvertently forgets the man's cup of coffee.
As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot quickly downs his drink and shouts, "And get me another whiskey, you slut." Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot's whiskey, but still no coffee for the man.
Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrot's approach: "I've asked you twice for a cup of coffee, you bitch. I expect you to get it for me right now or I'm going to slap that disgustingly ugly face of yours!"
Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.
Plunging downward toward the ground, the parrot turns to the man and says, "For someone who can't fly, you sure are a cocky bastard!"
On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks, "And why don't you get me a whiskey, you bitch."
The stewardess, flustered by the parrot's outburst, brings back a whiskey for the parrot, but inadvertently forgets the man's cup of coffee.
As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot quickly downs his drink and shouts, "And get me another whiskey, you slut." Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot's whiskey, but still no coffee for the man.
Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrot's approach: "I've asked you twice for a cup of coffee, you bitch. I expect you to get it for me right now or I'm going to slap that disgustingly ugly face of yours!"
Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.
Plunging downward toward the ground, the parrot turns to the man and says, "For someone who can't fly, you sure are a cocky bastard!"
nessonite1
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LOL esp liked the first parrot joke. 😀 The second reminded me of a real classic one...
A man was going sky diving for the first time. After extensive training he was ready for his first jump. He went up in theplane and just before he was to jump his instruvtor gave him some last minute reminders.
"Okay remember...this is your main chute cord. If that doesn't work this is your emergency chute cord...and if THAT doesn't work just yell out 'Buddah, Buddah help me!!'"
The manlaughed at what he thought was a joke, took a deep breath, and jumped out of the plane,
When he was ready to open his parachute he pulled on the main chute cord.
Nothing happened.
In a panic he pulled his emergency chute cord.
Nothing happened.
Still in a total freefall he was certain he was going to fall to his death. Suddenly he remembered what his instructor had said and yelled out as loud as he could "BUDDAH, BUDDAH HELPME!!!"
Just then a giant hand shot through the clouds and caught him. In total shock he sat up and said "You saved me! Oh thank GOD!"
The hand flipped over.
A man was going sky diving for the first time. After extensive training he was ready for his first jump. He went up in theplane and just before he was to jump his instruvtor gave him some last minute reminders.
"Okay remember...this is your main chute cord. If that doesn't work this is your emergency chute cord...and if THAT doesn't work just yell out 'Buddah, Buddah help me!!'"
The manlaughed at what he thought was a joke, took a deep breath, and jumped out of the plane,
When he was ready to open his parachute he pulled on the main chute cord.
Nothing happened.
In a panic he pulled his emergency chute cord.
Nothing happened.
Still in a total freefall he was certain he was going to fall to his death. Suddenly he remembered what his instructor had said and yelled out as loud as he could "BUDDAH, BUDDAH HELPME!!!"
Just then a giant hand shot through the clouds and caught him. In total shock he sat up and said "You saved me! Oh thank GOD!"
The hand flipped over.
THOSE SENIOR MOMENTS
>
>
> Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a
> restaurant one morning.
> Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and
> she said, '"Mabel,
> did you know you've got a suppository in your left
> ear?" Mabel answered,
> "I have a suppository?" She pulled it out and stared
> at it.
> Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.
> Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
>
> When the husband finally died his wife put the usual
> death notice
> in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
> No sooner were the
> papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned
> and complained
> bitterly,
> "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not
> gonorrhea."
> Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of
> course I know
> he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be
> better for posterity
> to remember him as a great lover rather than the big
> shit he always
> was."
>
>
> An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really
> stormy. They
> were standing on the back of the boat watching the
> moon, when a wave
> came up and washed the old woman overboard. They
> searched for days and
> couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man
> back to shore with
> the promise that he would notify him as soon as they
> found something.
> Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a
> fax from the boat.
> It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your
> wife dead at the
> bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck
> and attached to her
> butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth
> $50,000 . . please
> advise."
>
> The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and
> re-bait the trap."
>
> A funeral service is being held for a woman who has
> just passed away.
> At the end of the service, the pall bearers are
> carrying the casket out
> when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the
> casket They
> hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find
> that the woman is
> actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and
> then dies. Once again,
> a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall
> bearers are again
> carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket
> towards the door, the husband
> cries out: "Watch that wall!"
>
> When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady
> sitting on a park
> bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her
> what was wrong.
> She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He
> makes love to me
> every morning and then gets up and makes me
> pancakes, sausage,
> fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
>
> I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
>
> She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and
> my favorite brownies
> and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.
>
> "I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
>
> She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal
> with wine and my
> favorite dessert and then makes love to me until
> 2:00 a.m."
>
> I said, "Well, why in the world would you be
> crying?"
>
> She said, "I can't remember where I live!"
>
> Two elderly ladies had been friends for many
> decades. Over the years
> they had shared all kinds of activities and
> adventures. Lately, their
> ativities had been limited to meeting a few times a
> week to play cards.
>
> One day they were playing cards when one looked at
> the other and said,
> "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been
> friends for a long
> time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've
> thought and thought, but I can't
> remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
>
> Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes
> she just stared
> and glared at her. Finally she said "How soon do you
> need to know?"
>
> THE SENILITY PRAYER
>
> Grant me the senility to forget the people I never
> liked anyway,
> the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
> and the eyesight to tell the difference.
>
>
> Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a
> restaurant one morning.
> Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and
> she said, '"Mabel,
> did you know you've got a suppository in your left
> ear?" Mabel answered,
> "I have a suppository?" She pulled it out and stared
> at it.
> Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.
> Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
>
> When the husband finally died his wife put the usual
> death notice
> in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
> No sooner were the
> papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned
> and complained
> bitterly,
> "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not
> gonorrhea."
> Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of
> course I know
> he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be
> better for posterity
> to remember him as a great lover rather than the big
> shit he always
> was."
>
>
> An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really
> stormy. They
> were standing on the back of the boat watching the
> moon, when a wave
> came up and washed the old woman overboard. They
> searched for days and
> couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man
> back to shore with
> the promise that he would notify him as soon as they
> found something.
> Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a
> fax from the boat.
> It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your
> wife dead at the
> bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck
> and attached to her
> butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth
> $50,000 . . please
> advise."
>
> The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and
> re-bait the trap."
>
> A funeral service is being held for a woman who has
> just passed away.
> At the end of the service, the pall bearers are
> carrying the casket out
> when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the
> casket They
> hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find
> that the woman is
> actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and
> then dies. Once again,
> a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall
> bearers are again
> carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket
> towards the door, the husband
> cries out: "Watch that wall!"
>
> When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady
> sitting on a park
> bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her
> what was wrong.
> She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He
> makes love to me
> every morning and then gets up and makes me
> pancakes, sausage,
> fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
>
> I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
>
> She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and
> my favorite brownies
> and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.
>
> "I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
>
> She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal
> with wine and my
> favorite dessert and then makes love to me until
> 2:00 a.m."
>
> I said, "Well, why in the world would you be
> crying?"
>
> She said, "I can't remember where I live!"
>
> Two elderly ladies had been friends for many
> decades. Over the years
> they had shared all kinds of activities and
> adventures. Lately, their
> ativities had been limited to meeting a few times a
> week to play cards.
>
> One day they were playing cards when one looked at
> the other and said,
> "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been
> friends for a long
> time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've
> thought and thought, but I can't
> remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
>
> Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes
> she just stared
> and glared at her. Finally she said "How soon do you
> need to know?"
>
> THE SENILITY PRAYER
>
> Grant me the senility to forget the people I never
> liked anyway,
> the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
> and the eyesight to tell the difference.
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed.
>
> The wife is standing in front of a full-length
> mirror taking a hard look
> at herself. "You know, dear," she says, "I look in
> the mirror, and I see
> an old woman.
>
> My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above
> my waist, and my butt
> is hanging out a mile.
>
> I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby."
>
> She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me
> something positive to make me
> feel better about myself."
>
> He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and
> then says in a soft,
> thoughtful voice, "Well, ... there's nothing wrong
> with your eyesight."
>
> Services for the husband will be held Saturday
> morning at 10:30 at St.
> Anselm's Memorial Chapel. Female friends of the
> family are invited.
>
> The wife is standing in front of a full-length
> mirror taking a hard look
> at herself. "You know, dear," she says, "I look in
> the mirror, and I see
> an old woman.
>
> My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above
> my waist, and my butt
> is hanging out a mile.
>
> I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby."
>
> She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me
> something positive to make me
> feel better about myself."
>
> He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and
> then says in a soft,
> thoughtful voice, "Well, ... there's nothing wrong
> with your eyesight."
>
> Services for the husband will be held Saturday
> morning at 10:30 at St.
> Anselm's Memorial Chapel. Female friends of the
> family are invited.
> > > >dr. Phil Was Conducting A Group Therapy
> Session With Four Young
> >mothers
> > > > >and Their Small Children. "you All Have
> Obsessions," He
> > > > >observed.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >to The First Mother, He Said, "you Are
> Obsessed With Eating. You've
> >even
> > > > >named Your Daughter Candy."
> > > > >
> > > > > He Turned To The Second Mom. "your
> Obsession Is With Money. Again,
> >it
> > > > >manifests Itself In Your Child's Name,
> Penny."
> > > > >
> > > > > He Turns To The Third Mom. "your Obsession
> Is Alcohol. This, Too,
> > > > >manifests Itself In Your Child's Name,
> Brandy."
> > > > >
> > > > > At This Point, The Fourth Mother Gets Up
> Takes Her Little Boy By
> >the
> > > > >hand And Whispers, "come On Dick, We're
> Leaving."
> Session With Four Young
> >mothers
> > > > >and Their Small Children. "you All Have
> Obsessions," He
> > > > >observed.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >to The First Mother, He Said, "you Are
> Obsessed With Eating. You've
> >even
> > > > >named Your Daughter Candy."
> > > > >
> > > > > He Turned To The Second Mom. "your
> Obsession Is With Money. Again,
> >it
> > > > >manifests Itself In Your Child's Name,
> Penny."
> > > > >
> > > > > He Turns To The Third Mom. "your Obsession
> Is Alcohol. This, Too,
> > > > >manifests Itself In Your Child's Name,
> Brandy."
> > > > >
> > > > > At This Point, The Fourth Mother Gets Up
> Takes Her Little Boy By
> >the
> > > > >hand And Whispers, "come On Dick, We're
> Leaving."
sole seeker1
4th Level Red Feather
- Joined
- Oct 10, 2002
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- 1,924
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- 0
NAVAJO MESSAGE FOR THE MOON
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon.
When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon. Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.
The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.
So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message: "Watch out for these assholes - they have come to steal your land."
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon.
When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon. Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.
The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.
So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message: "Watch out for these assholes - they have come to steal your land."
sole seeker1
4th Level Red Feather
- Joined
- Oct 10, 2002
- Messages
- 1,924
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- 0
Yep, been into my joke file again. 🙂
INDIANS RIDE BAREBACK
An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yee Ha!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.
"Nothing," shrugged the woman, "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback ..."
INDIANS RIDE BAREBACK
An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yee Ha!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.
"Nothing," shrugged the woman, "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback ..."
nessonite1
3rd Level White Feather
- Joined
- Sep 20, 2003
- Messages
- 9,517
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- 0
LOL Sole Seeker...I thinkthat is already in this thread somewhere but it's a favorite. 😛 I love the NASA Navaho one as well...storing it for hubby. 😀
MistressValerie1
Administrator
- Joined
- Mar 5, 2003
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- 8,736
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- 0
Good motto to live by . . .
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, champagne in one hand - strawberries in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO - What a Ride!"
[Note from Val: I'm still undecided about it, but that's the way I'm headed so far 😉 ]
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, champagne in one hand - strawberries in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO - What a Ride!"
[Note from Val: I'm still undecided about it, but that's the way I'm headed so far 😉 ]
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex,
marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with
my wife before we got married, Did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden
name?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad,
where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it
from your mother, cause I still have mine"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"
the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to
give your wife $775 a week," "That's very fair, your
honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll
try to send her a few bucks myself,"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and
said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all," ;
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great
cook and really good with the kids.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can
remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40
years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me
the exact words that were used to put the curse on
you.
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce
you man and wife."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1.. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell
me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to
New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder
of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring
at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen.
Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he
walks over and asks, "How do you get into those
pants?"
The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you
could start by buying me a drink."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in
hell."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him
how he is feeling.
"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the
doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I
passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at
least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even
considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my
husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini
or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it
all in one."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with
my wife before we got married, Did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden
name?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad,
where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it
from your mother, cause I still have mine"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"
the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to
give your wife $775 a week," "That's very fair, your
honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll
try to send her a few bucks myself,"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and
said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all," ;
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great
cook and really good with the kids.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can
remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40
years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me
the exact words that were used to put the curse on
you.
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce
you man and wife."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1.. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell
me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to
New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder
of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring
at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen.
Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he
walks over and asks, "How do you get into those
pants?"
The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you
could start by buying me a drink."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in
hell."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him
how he is feeling.
"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the
doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I
passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at
least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even
considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my
husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini
or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it
all in one."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
sole seeker1
4th Level Red Feather
- Joined
- Oct 10, 2002
- Messages
- 1,924
- Points
- 0
LMAO!Storm_Cat said:
The Late Preacher
A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."
MistressValerie1
Administrator
- Joined
- Mar 5, 2003
- Messages
- 8,736
- Points
- 0
Excellent, guys 🙂
Here's another from my friends at ocmb.org:
When you are Grown up.
Signs that you've already grown up:
a. Your potted plants stay alive.
b. Having sex in a twin sized bed is absurd.
c. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
d. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
e. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
f. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
g. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
h. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
i. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.
j. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
k. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
l. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
m. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
n. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
o. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
p. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
q. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
r. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
s. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
t. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.
u. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
v. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi & DingDongs.
w. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
x. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
y. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
z. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you.
Here's another from my friends at ocmb.org:
When you are Grown up.
Signs that you've already grown up:
a. Your potted plants stay alive.
b. Having sex in a twin sized bed is absurd.
c. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
d. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
e. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
f. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
g. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
h. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
i. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.
j. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
k. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
l. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
m. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
n. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
o. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
p. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
q. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
r. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
s. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
t. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.
u. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
v. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi & DingDongs.
w. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
x. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
y. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
z. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you.
nessonite1
3rd Level White Feather
- Joined
- Sep 20, 2003
- Messages
- 9,517
- Points
- 0
I am happy to say, Missy Val, that VERY few of those applied to me! One specifically is this:
b. Having sex in a twin sized bed is absurd.
It is absurd. Not the idea of a twin sized bed (my husband and I share one every night) but because sex in the bad happens so rarely that I've got to regularly clear the cobwebs from certain bits of us. 😛
b. Having sex in a twin sized bed is absurd.
It is absurd. Not the idea of a twin sized bed (my husband and I share one every night) but because sex in the bad happens so rarely that I've got to regularly clear the cobwebs from certain bits of us. 😛
MistressValerie1
Administrator
- Joined
- Mar 5, 2003
- Messages
- 8,736
- Points
- 0
Aww, Nessie 🙁
In my case, c, g, i, k, l, m, r, t, v, and (especially) s and w apply to me, but on the bright side, we do have lots of sex in a twin bed (blush) 🙂
Love and squishing,
In my case, c, g, i, k, l, m, r, t, v, and (especially) s and w apply to me, but on the bright side, we do have lots of sex in a twin bed (blush) 🙂
Love and squishing,
Budweiserbob!
Staff
- Joined
- Jul 25, 2004
- Messages
- 3,928
- Points
- 0
Three drunken men!
3 guys were on a holiday to Ireland and did what all men do when they got there, GOT DRUNK! it was about midnight when they walked home but the stumbled into a graveyard. They decide to go through because they thought it was a shortcut! As they walk through they take a glimpse at tombstones and one of 'em shouts out "WOAH!!!! This guy was old! 97! and his names Thomas Crimmle!" just then the other one shouts, "yeah, well this guy was 109! his name is......Stephen Pilchard!" Then the last one looks at this tombstone and shouts out "HOLY SHIT!!!! THIS GUY WAS 197!!!". The others gasp and then one of them say "what was his name?" and he shouts "Miles To Dublin!"
3 guys were on a holiday to Ireland and did what all men do when they got there, GOT DRUNK! it was about midnight when they walked home but the stumbled into a graveyard. They decide to go through because they thought it was a shortcut! As they walk through they take a glimpse at tombstones and one of 'em shouts out "WOAH!!!! This guy was old! 97! and his names Thomas Crimmle!" just then the other one shouts, "yeah, well this guy was 109! his name is......Stephen Pilchard!" Then the last one looks at this tombstone and shouts out "HOLY SHIT!!!! THIS GUY WAS 197!!!". The others gasp and then one of them say "what was his name?" and he shouts "Miles To Dublin!"
sole seeker1
4th Level Red Feather
- Joined
- Oct 10, 2002
- Messages
- 1,924
- Points
- 0
The Hamster
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"
"Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know." she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm.)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience." I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, GROSS!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here too, don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's a breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."
"What!?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... er.... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just... just... excited?" my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence.
Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just... that... I'm picturing you pulling on it's... it's... teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car.
He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - Hamsters - $10...
1 - Cage - $20...
Trip to the Vet - $30...
Pictures of your hubby pulling on the hamster's whanker........ Priceless!
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"
"Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know." she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm.)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience." I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, GROSS!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here too, don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's a breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."
"What!?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... er.... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just... just... excited?" my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence.
Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just... that... I'm picturing you pulling on it's... it's... teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car.
He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - Hamsters - $10...
1 - Cage - $20...
Trip to the Vet - $30...
Pictures of your hubby pulling on the hamster's whanker........ Priceless!
