Official TT Jokes Thread - Read and Post your Jokes Here!

[Faramir]

...hope this one hasn't been posted already...~~

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in ATLANTA, GA !
One day the airport was fogged in and they had nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Jim says, "Me too. I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"
So they poured themselves a couple of glasses of high-octane hooch and got completely smashed.
The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels great, no hangover, no bad side effects. Nothing at all. &nb! sp;Then the phone rings...it's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?" Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't even get a hangover.
Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often." "Yeah, well there's just one thing..." "What's that?"
"Have you farted yet?"
"No......."
"Well, don't, - 'cause I'm in PHOENIX ."

 

[Ticklekiller1]

Jokes

Q: Why did the rubber cross the road?
A: It got pissed off.

Q: Did you here about the guy with 5 penises?
A: His pants fit like a glove.

Q:Why does Peter Pan fly?
A: If somebody hit your peter with a pan you would fly too!

Q:If athletes get athletes foot then what do astronauts get?
A: Missletoes


Insults

Your feet are so big, you could help Smokey the Bear stamp out forest fires!

You couldn't get a laugh out of ticklish hyena!

Jokes

Q: What were Chefboy Ardee's first words?
A: "Ragoo goo"

Story Joke

A duck walks into a general store, hops up on the counter and asks
"Ya got any grapes?" "No" replies the clerk so, the duck hops down and leaves the store. The next day the duck walks into the store again, hops up onto the counter and asks "Ya got any grapes?" "NO." replies the clerk firmly so, the duck hops down and leaves the store. The next day, the duck walks into the store yet again, hops up on the counter and asks "Ya got any grapes?" Furious and redfaced the clerk roars "if you come in here anymore asking me for grapes, I'm going to nail your feet to this counter!!" so, the duck hops down and leaves the store. The next day the duck walks in to the store once more, hops up on to the counter and asks "Ya got any nails?" "No." replies the clerk then, the duck asks "Ya got any grapes?"

more to come...

-TK

 

[nessonite1]

Q:If athletes get athletes foot then what do astronauts get?
A: Missletoes

Cute! That reminded me of something I hearda standup comic say once...
"Can you believe they have a. atheletic shoe store called 'Athelete's Foot'? Wouldn't that be like having a lingere store and calling it 'The Yeast Infection'?"
LOL I heard that years ago but I can't help thinking of it when I see that store at the mall.

 

[MistressValerie1]

I love the duck joke and Nessie's comment on the lingerie shop 🙂 I also enjoyed Stormy's punch line 😀

Nessie's remark reminds me, I once did a Letterman-style Top-10 list of worst names for restaurants. I don't remember all of them, but I had stuff like

10. The E-Colliseum
9. Tastes Like Meat
8. Guess What's in Our Doggie Bag 😀
etc.

Hmm, well, #8 doesn't sound so bad ... 😉

Luv to all,

 

[MistressValerie1]

This is a cross-post, but it's a good one 😀 Enjoy!

Olympic Commentators

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

 

[nessonite1]

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

A few too many KO's there buddy??

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!
Reminds me of an old Radio Bloopers record my mother had that contained this gem...
"Looking at the contestents here, all hoping they will be crownedthe next Miss America, I can say I've never seen a group of more expectant women...I mean umm...anxious women! We'll return after these messages to the Miss America Pregnant...er...Pageant!"

 

[Faramir]

This is a cross-post, but it's a good one 😀 Enjoy!

Olympic Commentators

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

WaaaHaaaHaaaaaa....!!!

good on ya, Missy Val...(especially the Dressage commentary....!!!) 😀

 

[Kalamos]

> > If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in
> > English, thank a soldier.

You know? German isn't such a bad language...

😉

 

[Faramir]

Barbara Walters of 20/20 (USA) did a story on gender roles
in Kabul several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted
that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their
husbands.

She returned to Kabul recently and observed that women still
walk behind their husbands, but now seem to walk even further
back and are happy with the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why
do you now seem happy with the old custom that you used to try
and
change?"

"Land mines," said the woman

 

[Faramir]

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year
old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year
or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying
a "mail order" bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the
rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The
banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride
to be. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in
November."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was,
could see that the sexual appetite of a young
woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old
man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be
happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom
should consider getting a hired hand to help him
out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its
own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and
said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom
in town again. "How's the new wife?" asked the
banker. Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked
out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."

 

[Faramir]

Finally A Male Blonde Joke -

A Blonde Guy Gets Home Early From Work And Hears Strange Noises Coming From The Bedroom. He Rushes Upstairs To Find His Wife Naked On The Bed, Sweating And Panting.

"what's Up?" He Says.

"i'm Having A Heart Attack," Cries The Woman.

He Rushes Downstairs To Grab The Phone, But Just As He's Dialing, His 4-year-old Son Comes Up And Says "daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's Hiding In Your Closet And He's Got No Clothes On!"

The Guy Slams The Phone Down And Storms Upstairs Into The Bedroom, Past His Screaming Wife, And Rips Open The Wardrobe Door. Sure Enough, There Is His Brother, Totally Naked, Cowering On The Closet Floor.

"you Rotten Sob ," Says The Husband, "my Wife's Having A Heart Attack And You're Running Around Naked Scaring The Kids.

 

[Faramir]

Here's one for the girl's.....!!

before, ...and after, marriage...!!

 

[Faramir]

this one may be a bit harsh....!!

if this offends anyone...please let me know and I'll delete it. someone e-mailed it to me. some may find humour in it, others definitely won't. I'm on the fence about this one personally.

I HAVE HEARD ENOUGH ABOUT PRISONER MISTREATMENT SO HERE IS MY RESPONSE..

IF HOOKING UP AN IRAQI PRISONER'S SCROTUM TO A CAR'S BATTERY CABLES WILL SAVE ONE AMERICAN GI'S LIFE, OR PREVENT ONE TERRORIST ATTACK IN THE U.S., THEN I HAVE JUST 2 THINGS TO SAY:


>>>>>>>>>SCROLL DOWN >>>>>>>>>>>>>>





1. RED IS POSITIVE +
2. BLACK IS NEGATIVE -

 

[Faramir]

Wisdom

Wisdom......

Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt, that he forgets his sugar.

Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.

When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.

On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past -but never the present.

A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No
wife of mine is gonna work."

The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, only when the interest is kept up.

Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew,and make beds, and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age, and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth....Remember about Algebra.

You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up, or leaks.

I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.


Life is a journey, enjoy the ride.

 

[sole seeker1]

"How's the new wife?" asked the banker. Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."

This guy is my hero!!

 

[sole seeker1]

The Deadly Affair

There were three guys standing in line to get into heaven. Just as they were about to enter, St. Paul stops them and tells them they have room for only one more person, so the one who died the worst death may enter.

St. Paul starts off with the first guy and his reply was: "I always had a suspicion that my wife was having an affair so I came home early one day to find that there was nobody but her. That is until I peered over the balcony to find a man hanging from the ledge in his boxers. I got so upset that I started stomping on his hands but he wouldn't let go. I got a hammer and started pounding on his fingers, but he wouldn't let go. Then finally I went inside and grabbed the fridge and dropped it on top of him. After I looked down to see that he was crushed to death, I felt so bad that I took a shotgun and killed myself."

St Peter says, "that's pretty bad," and asks the second guy how he died.

The second guy said, "I was getting ready for my workout in the afternoon and I always do my aerobic videos in my boxers. Today I somehow slipped and fell off my balcony. Luckily, there was the balcony on the floor below so I held on to the rail. As I was calling for help some lunatic started yelling at me and started stomping on my fingers. He brought out a hammer and started pounding on my fingers, then he quit and went back inside. When I thought he was gone I started pulling myself up from the ledge. While I'm climbing I look up, and all I could see was a huge refrigerator falling on top of me. I fell with it 10 flights below, and now here I am!"

St. Paul thinks to himself, 'that's pretty bad..'

To his surprise, St. Paul saw that the third guy was Bill Clinton! He said, 'Well Bill, what happened to you?" Bill says, "Well, you won't believe it. Picture this, I'm naked inside a refrigerator..."

 

[sole seeker1]

Three bulls


Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

The first bull says, "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't' givin' him any of mine."

The second bull says, "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."

The third bull says, "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

The first bull says, "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

The second bull says, "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm.

The first bull says, "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

The third bull says, "Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"

 

[Faramir]

Picture on the Nightstand

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her

night stand by the bed. He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he

nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."

 

[Faramir]

quote:
"The third bull says, "Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"


now...that is FUNNY...!!

at nearly 2 and a 1/2 tonnes...that's one serious fookin Bull...!!

 

[nessonite1]

LOL Good one's guys. Reminds me of, not a joke, but lyrics to a song I heard when I was a kid.

I came home the other night
Drunk as I could be
And I saw a hat hanging from the hatrack where my hat ought to be
So I said to my wife, my pretty little wife
Explain this thing to me
What's this hat doing on the hatrack where my hat ought to be?

You darn fool you drunken fool can't you never see
It's nothing but an old chamber pot your mama gave to me
Well I traveled this wide world over
Ten thousand miles or more
But a JD Stetson chamber pot I never did see before

I came home the other night
Drunk as I could be
And I saw some pants laying on the chair where my pants ought to be
So I said to my wife, my pretty little wife
Explain this thing to me
What are these pants doing on the chair where my pants ought to be?

You darn fool you drunken fool can't you never see
It's nothing but an old dishrag that your mama gave to me
Well I traveled this wide world over
Ten thousand miles or more
But a dishrag with a zipper I never did see before

I came home the other night
Drunk as I could be
And I saw a horse standing in the stable where my horse ought to be
So I said to my wife, my pretty little wife
Explain this thing to me
What's this horse doing in the stable where my horse ought to be?

You darn fool you drunken fool can't you never see
It's nothing but an old milk cow that your mama gave to me
Well I travled this wide world over
Ten thousand miles or more
But a milk cow with a saddle I never did see before

I came home the other night
Drunk as I could be
And I saw a head layin on the pillow where my head ought to be
So I said to my wife, my pretty little wife
Explain this thing to me
What's this head doing on the pillow where my head ought to be?

You darn fool you drunken fool can't you never see
It's nothing but an old cabbage head that your mama gave to me
Well I traveled this wide world over
Ten thousand miles or more
But a cabbage with a moustache I never did see before

 

[sole seeker1]

I am inspired, Nessie!

POETRY CONTEST

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand,
trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought.

The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three *****s in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

 

[MistressValerie1]

Computer error messages- in hiaku!

1. The web site you seek cannot be located, but countless more exist.
2. Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent and reboot. Order shall return.
3. Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much.
4. Windows crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.
5. Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that.
6. Your file was so big. It might be very useful, but now it is gone.
7. Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down.
8. A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.
9. Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred.
10. You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here.
11. Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, but we never will.
12. Having been erased, the document you're seeking must now be retyped.
13. Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen ... mind - both are blank.

Courtesy of Zatina of ocmb.org

 

[BigNorm]

ooh i gotta jump on this band wagon.

here is my first and only joke i ever made.

Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

A: Because it didn't have the guts.

and heres another i heard awhile back...

Q: How do you get a 1 armed blonde out of a tree?

A: You wave to her.

And i close with a funny expierience that happened to me today.

I was watching Sky Captain and The World of Tommorrow. it was dark of course in the theater, and all i could see is dark shapes, and a woman, nicely shapen by the looks of it was sitting 2 or 3 seats next to me. (we were in a theater with big comfy chairs with folding arm rests.) i noticed she put her arm rests up and put her legs up on the chairs next to me so she was sitting up, but her legs were up on the chair and her bare feet were right next to me. not passing up such a great chance, and knowing i probably would get slapped or something. i began to stroke her feet, ever so gently, and to my surprise she jerked a little bit but allowed me to massage her feet. all during the movie, i massaged her feet in bliss, watching an awesome flick, while massaging her feet. when the movie was over and right when the lights came on after the credits, a man's voice said. "Wow, thanks for the foot massage. doing anything tonight?" and like i was electricuted, i yelped and jumped 2 feet. and as the lights came on, a man in a cap with baggy jeans in and a t-shirt was smiling, 2 seats away. god i was so embarrased, i mannaged to stutter out my response. "ummm....i-i-i'm sor-ry, i thought you were a woman. and i'm straight, so i'm sorry....for....ummm....this." he insisted i take his business card, for his business, think it was called Stocks and Stuff, store for bondage and sex toys. "just give me a call or come by, and you can fulfill your foot fetish and maybe i can return the favor." he said. "um sure, i'll think about it thanks. and thanks for lending me your feet" i said jokingly. he winked and said "sure thing, see ya around."
i'm wondering if i should put his business card up in a plague to remind me of such a funny ordeal."

 

[His Divine Shadow]

5. Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that.

AMEN.

 

[BigNorm]

u got that right HDS. that and the blue screen of death should be in a computer bible.