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Official TT Jokes Thread - Read and Post your Jokes Here!
- Thread starter MistressValerie1
- Start date
nessonite1
3rd Level White Feather
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Stormie has just invented a new weight loss system! He's gonna be a millionaire!
Seeing that picture has put me off eating for the month!
Seeing that picture has put me off eating for the month!
His Divine Shadow
Administrator
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HA! That amuses me to no end. 😛
sole seeker1
4th Level Red Feather
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OMG! :wooha: I've heard of people who've been "hit with the ugly stick"... but I swear that this person has the damn thing shoved up where the sun don't shine!Storm_Cat said:
MistressValerie1
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Microsoft in Detroit
Microsoft in Detroit?
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1000 mi/gal." Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" and also noted the following consequences of GM imitating Microsoft:
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
Microsoft in Detroit?
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1000 mi/gal." Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" and also noted the following consequences of GM imitating Microsoft:
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
MistressValerie1
Administrator
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Office Pranks
Gags For The Office Drone
Run one lap around the office at top speed
Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other 'no-player'must be in the bathroom at the time)
Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you
Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye"
To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily,"Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way"
Walk sideways to the photocopier.
While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
THREE-POINT GAGS
Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers
Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it"
Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice)
Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
FIVE POINT GAGS
At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob.'
Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two."
After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamacian accent, as in, "the report's on your desk, mon." Keep this up for one hour.
While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damm it, all of you just shut up!"
At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again".
In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights."
Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now"
Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it"
Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local resturant. Let him go.
Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
Rollerblade around the floor throwing sweets
Gags For The Office Drone
Run one lap around the office at top speed
Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other 'no-player'must be in the bathroom at the time)
Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you
Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye"
To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily,"Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way"
Walk sideways to the photocopier.
While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
THREE-POINT GAGS
Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers
Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it"
Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice)
Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
FIVE POINT GAGS
At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob.'
Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two."
After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamacian accent, as in, "the report's on your desk, mon." Keep this up for one hour.
While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damm it, all of you just shut up!"
At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again".
In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights."
Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now"
Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it"
Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local resturant. Let him go.
Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
Rollerblade around the floor throwing sweets
nessonite1
3rd Level White Feather
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- Sep 20, 2003
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- 9,517
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Bwaaahahahahahaha!
BigNorm
3rd Level Violet Feather
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- Oct 6, 2002
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i just found a couple of good ones:
Baaaad News
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Patient: Go with the good news first.
Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.
Patient: What!?! How about the bad news?
Doctor: Um... I forgot to tell you yesterday.
The Test
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Baaaad News
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Patient: Go with the good news first.
Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.
Patient: What!?! How about the bad news?
Doctor: Um... I forgot to tell you yesterday.
The Test
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Two Happy Holes!
A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she
married she was to please her husband and never upset him. So the first
morning of her honeymoon when the young Japanese bride crawled out of the
bed after making love and she stooped down to pick up her husband's
clothes and she let out a big fart.
She looked up and said, "Excuse please, front hole so happy back hole
whistle!"
A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she
married she was to please her husband and never upset him. So the first
morning of her honeymoon when the young Japanese bride crawled out of the
bed after making love and she stooped down to pick up her husband's
clothes and she let out a big fart.
She looked up and said, "Excuse please, front hole so happy back hole
whistle!"
>THE "F" WORD:
>
>When is @#$% Acceptable?
>
>There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been
>considered
>acceptable for use.
>
>They are as follows:
>
>11. "What the @#$% do you mean we are sinking?"
>
>
>- - Capt. E. J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
>
>
>10. "What the @#$% was that?"
>
>
>-- Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945
>
>
>9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
>
>
>-- Custer, 1877
>
>
>8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
>
>
>-- Einstein, 1938
>
>
>7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
>
>
>-- Picasso, 1926
>
>
>6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
>
>
>-- Pythagoras, 126 BC
>
>5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
>
>
>-- Michelangelo, 1566
>
>
>4. "Where the @#$% are we?"
>
>
>-- Amelia Earhart, 1937
>
>
>3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"
>
>
>-- Noah, 4314 BC
>
>
>2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
>
>
>-- Bill Clinton, 1999
>
>
>and a drum roll............! ...
>
>
>1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ ing mad."
>
>
>-- Sadaam Hussein
>
>When is @#$% Acceptable?
>
>There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been
>considered
>acceptable for use.
>
>They are as follows:
>
>11. "What the @#$% do you mean we are sinking?"
>
>
>- - Capt. E. J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
>
>
>10. "What the @#$% was that?"
>
>
>-- Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945
>
>
>9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
>
>
>-- Custer, 1877
>
>
>8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
>
>
>-- Einstein, 1938
>
>
>7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
>
>
>-- Picasso, 1926
>
>
>6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
>
>
>-- Pythagoras, 126 BC
>
>5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
>
>
>-- Michelangelo, 1566
>
>
>4. "Where the @#$% are we?"
>
>
>-- Amelia Earhart, 1937
>
>
>3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"
>
>
>-- Noah, 4314 BC
>
>
>2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
>
>
>-- Bill Clinton, 1999
>
>
>and a drum roll............! ...
>
>
>1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ ing mad."
>
>
>-- Sadaam Hussein
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a
> > series of tests, the
> > >last of which had left his bodily systems
> > extremely upset. Upon making
> > >several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he
> > decided the latest
> > >episode
> > >was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled
> > his bed with diarrhea
> > >and
> > >was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain
> > rational.
> > >In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of
> > bed, gathered up the
> > >bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital
> > window.
> > >A drunk was walking by the hospital when the
> > sheets landed on him. He
> > >started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms
> > violently trying to get
> > >the unknown things off, and ended up with the
> > soiled sheets in a
> > >tangled
> > >pile at his feet.
> > >As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet,
> > staring down at the
> > >sheets, a hospital security guard (barely
> > containing his laughter) who
> > >had watched the whole incident walked up and
> > asked, "What the heck is
> > >going on here?"
> > >The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I
> > just beat the shit
> > >out
> > >of a ghost"
> > series of tests, the
> > >last of which had left his bodily systems
> > extremely upset. Upon making
> > >several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he
> > decided the latest
> > >episode
> > >was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled
> > his bed with diarrhea
> > >and
> > >was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain
> > rational.
> > >In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of
> > bed, gathered up the
> > >bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital
> > window.
> > >A drunk was walking by the hospital when the
> > sheets landed on him. He
> > >started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms
> > violently trying to get
> > >the unknown things off, and ended up with the
> > soiled sheets in a
> > >tangled
> > >pile at his feet.
> > >As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet,
> > staring down at the
> > >sheets, a hospital security guard (barely
> > containing his laughter) who
> > >had watched the whole incident walked up and
> > asked, "What the heck is
> > >going on here?"
> > >The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I
> > just beat the shit
> > >out
> > >of a ghost"
nessonite1
3rd Level White Feather
- Joined
- Sep 20, 2003
- Messages
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- 0
Ack Stormy those Halloween ones are great! Especially love the puking pumpkin! Should put those in the Funny Pictures thread. 😀
----- A Wealthy Hospital Benefactor Was Visiting The Hospital When,
During Her Tour, She Passed A Room Where A Male Patient Was
Masturbating.
"oh My God!" Screamed The Woman. "that's Disgraceful! Why Is He
Doing That?
The Doctor That Was Leading The Tour Explained, "i Am Very
Sorry But This Man Has A Serious Condition Where The Testicles Rapidly Fill
With Semen If He Doesn't Do That Five Times A Day, They'll Explode And He'll
Die Within Minutes."
"oh, Well In That Case, I Guess It's Ok," Commented The Woman.
In The Very Next Room They Could See That A Female Nurse Was
Performing Oral Sex On A Different Male Patient. Again The Woman Screamed
"oh My God!
How Can That Be Justified?"
The Doctor Replied..."same Illness, Better Health Plan
During Her Tour, She Passed A Room Where A Male Patient Was
Masturbating.
"oh My God!" Screamed The Woman. "that's Disgraceful! Why Is He
Doing That?
The Doctor That Was Leading The Tour Explained, "i Am Very
Sorry But This Man Has A Serious Condition Where The Testicles Rapidly Fill
With Semen If He Doesn't Do That Five Times A Day, They'll Explode And He'll
Die Within Minutes."
"oh, Well In That Case, I Guess It's Ok," Commented The Woman.
In The Very Next Room They Could See That A Female Nurse Was
Performing Oral Sex On A Different Male Patient. Again The Woman Screamed
"oh My God!
How Can That Be Justified?"
The Doctor Replied..."same Illness, Better Health Plan
nessonite1
3rd Level White Feather
- Joined
- Sep 20, 2003
- Messages
- 9,517
- Points
- 0
Reformat, brother! LOL a good one though 😀 😛
Glad you found the thread...I didnt know it could have been buried so deep either!
Glad you found the thread...I didnt know it could have been buried so deep either!
sole seeker1
4th Level Red Feather
- Joined
- Oct 10, 2002
- Messages
- 1,924
- Points
- 0
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole." The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed and asked, "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole." The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed and asked, "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"
1ticklishguy
TMF Novice
- Joined
- Nov 24, 2004
- Messages
- 62
- Points
- 8
Great Jokes!
Things You Can Only Say at Thanksgiving
1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at
once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at
once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
nessonite1
3rd Level White Feather
- Joined
- Sep 20, 2003
- Messages
- 9,517
- Points
- 0
These are great, Stormy, LOL!
Another funny thing you can do...
Open a cookbook and read a recipe for roast chicken, or any recipe that starts you off with the whole birl. Replace every instance of the word "chicken" with "small child" and "wings" with "arms". 😛
Yeah...it's sick but it comes out funny. 😛 😀
Another funny thing you can do...
Open a cookbook and read a recipe for roast chicken, or any recipe that starts you off with the whole birl. Replace every instance of the word "chicken" with "small child" and "wings" with "arms". 😛
Yeah...it's sick but it comes out funny. 😛 😀
