Official TT Jokes Thread - Read and Post your Jokes Here!

[MistressValerie1]

A hilarious website depicting hundreds of ridiculous but true Microsoft error messages is at http://www.scorpioncity.com/mscrash.shtml 🙂

 

[BigNorm]

i got this next one from a big book of 200 urban legends. i read this one funny story, when i feel sad or depressed to make me feel better knowing i'm having a better day than this man.

What Killed The Dog

A Cowboy returns home at a bus station from a long trip to find his friend, the local sheriff, Roscoe, waiting for him there.

Cowboy: What are you doing here, Roscoe?

Roscoe: I came to greet you with some bad news i'm afraid......... Yer dog is dead.

Cowboy: Old Sport?

Roscoe: Yep. Died from eatin' too much horse flesh!

Cowboy: My horses?

Roscoe: Perished when yer barn burnt down.

The Cowboy hangs his shoulders low with grief.

Cowboy: But.... How...?

Roscoe: Oh, it were the spark from the house fire that done it.

Cowboy: Are y-you saying that my house...

Roscoe: Burned to the ground. Thanks to those darned candles at your mother's funeral!

Cowboy: Mother Sloan is dead?

Roscow: And buried! The shock of the wife of her only son runnin' off with that handy man did her in!

The Cowboy cocks his trusty sidearm and points it to his head.

Cowboy: What? Are you saying that me wife has left me? Are you telling me that i have to raise three children without their mother??

And ol' Roscow without missing a beat says: Huh? Why, heck no! Your kids died in the barn fire!

 

[MistressValerie1]

A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out.

"Well," said a customer, "I never saw anything as peculiar as that!"

"What's so peculiar about it?" the bartender said. "His wife sent him out for a jar of olives."

 

[MistressValerie1]

A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive 30-year-old single malts and has the bartender line them up in front of him. Then without pausing, he quickly downs each one. "Whew," the bartender remarked, "you seem to be in a hurry."

"You would be too if you had what I have."

"What do you have?" the bartender sympathetically asked.

"Fifty cents."

 

[MistressValerie1]

A man rushed into a bar and ordered a double martini. The man downed it with one swallow, put a five dollar bill on the bar, and turned and rushed out of the bar. The bartender picked up the five dollar bill, and folded it carefully and tucked it in his vest pocket.

Just at that moment he looked up at the boss standing in the doorway staring at him. Doing a bit of fast thinking he said, "Hi boss, did you see that fellow just now? Came in here, bought a double martini, gave me a five dollar tip, and rushed out without paying."

 

[MistressValerie1]

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

A voice from the back of the room retorted, "Yeah, right."

 

[MistressValerie1]

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DOGS AND CATS

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a god!

 

[nessonite1]

LOL! I like that one a lot, Missy Val!

The difference between having baby boys and baby girls
Baby girl drops pacifier on floor and you say "ewww she got gunk on it!"
Baby boy drops pacifier on floor and you say "Cool, he knocked some gunk off of it!"

 

[xodlirv1]

A cop pulls over a car for speeding. He asks the driver where he's going in such a hurry. The driver explains that he's on his way to the theatre to do a show. "What kind of show?" the cop asks. "I'm a juggler," the driver says. "Oh yeah?" the cop asks. "Prove it. Juggle something." "I'd love to, Officer," the driver says, "but all my equipment is at the theatre." So the cop opens the trunk of his patrol car, takes out three road flares, lights them and hands them to the driver. "Juggle these!" he says. As it turns out, the driver was telling the truth, and proceeds to juggle the lit road flares with skill and grace, making them spin and twirl and catching them expertly, keeping them going in a perfect circle.

Another car comes along, sees this spectacle and slams on the brakes. The driver staggers out of the car, holding out his wrists to the cop.
"Take me to jail now, oshifer," the drunk mumbles. "No way I can pass that test!"

 

[MistressValerie1]

Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."

 

[MistressValerie1]

Words that should be in the Dictionary

Accordionated (ah kor' de on ay tid)
adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.

Aquadextrous (ak wa deks' trus)
adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

Aqualibrium (ak wa lib' re um)
n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye (or ear).

Burgacide (burg' uh side)
n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.

Buzzacks (buz' aks)
n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.

Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun)
n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up,examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

Dimp (dimp)
n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"

Disconfect (dis kon fekt')
v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will `remove' all the germs.

Ecnalubma (ek na lub' ma)
n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.

Eiffelites (eye' ful eyetz)
n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.

Elbonics (el bon' iks)
n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater..

Elecelleration (el a cel er ay' shun)
n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.

Frust (frust)
n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

Lactomangulation (lak' to man gyu lay' shun)
n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side.

Neonphancy (ne on' fan see)
n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.

Peppier (pehp ee ay')
n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

Petrophobic (pet ro fob' ik)
adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.

Phonesia (fo nee' zhuh)
n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

Pupkus (pup' kus)
n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

Telecrastination (tel e kras tin ay' shun)
n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

 

[Faramir]

hope these haven't been posted before...

1974: Long hair
2004: Longing for hair

1974: KEG
2004: EKG

1974: Acid rock
2004: Acid reflux

1974: Moving to California because it's cool
2004: Moving to California because it's warm

1974: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2004: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1974: Seeds and stems
2004: Roughage

1974: Hoping for a BMW
2004: Hoping for a BM

1974: The Grateful Dead
2004: Dr. Kevorkian

1974: Going to a new, hip joint
2004: Receiving a new hip joint

1974: Rolling Stones
2004: Kidney Stones

1974: Being called into the principal's office
2004: Calling the principal's office

1974: Screw the system
2004: Upgrade the system

1974: Disco
2004: Costco

1974: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2004: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1974: Passing the drivers' test
2004: Passing the vision test

1974: Whatever
2004: Depends

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1986.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane".

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet?

 

[Faramir]

one bedroom condo

I haven't said anything to anybody about this until now because we wanted to wait until things were final. I just purchased a one bedroom condo near Sannibel Island in South Florida as an investment property.

It finally closed last week, so we thought that we would let you all know in case anyone is interested in accommodations for an upcoming getaway to the island. It's available for weekends or on a weekly basis. For now, we will be handling bookings until we can find an agent.

Weekends will cost about $100 for three nights and $250 for the week. These prices are low because they are for friends and family. And especially our internet buddies.

Prices will be a bit different for people we don't know, but we can discuss that on an individual basis.

In any case, it's a one bedroom, high-rise unit that overlooks the ocean, nestled among lush greens, and has a lovely ocean view from every window! See photo below.

Let us know if you're interested ..

 

[Maxxnme1]

*************
Pepsi Please

NEW DRINK FROM PFIZER

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of...........


ARE YOU READY FOR THIS??????








"MOUNT & DO"

Re: New terms for VIAGRA:
Actually the medical community has announced that, due to demand (as well as insureance costs-when you can get it), VIAGRA will be produced generically.

The AMA in conjunction with the FDA has announced that the new generic name for VIAGRA will be:
mycoxaswellin!

 

[Maxxnme1]

Just be careful when you roll outta bed!

 

[Maxxnme1]

OTHER TIDBITS OF INFORMATION:
Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"..and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Coca-Cola was originally green.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Only two people signed the Declaration ofIndependence on July 4th, John Hancock andCharles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month . which we know today as the honeymoon.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."

It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired
by this practice.

 

[xodlirv1]

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

And the first live-action couple: Herman and Lily Munster.

 

[Maxxnme1]

Really??? Somehow (and I could be mistaken) but I seem to remember Lily always sleeping by herself holding orchids or lilies ( some kinda flower).

 

[BigNorm]

Messed up quotes i got from my 2004 calender of quotes.

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
actual testimony recorded in court transcripts.


And now, His Poopiness the Hole...er... His Poopiness the Pole...rather, His Holiness the Poop.
translator in a meeting at the vatian.


May every memory bring the feeling that you have not lived for anything.
translation enclosed with a piece of Chinese calligraphy for tourists, Hong Kong.

2nd Floor
Upstairs
sign on a convent in the Philippines.

Sadness is the No. 1 reason men and women cry
headline in the Omaha World Herald.

Rail travel at high speed is not possible becausepassengers, unable to breathe, would die of asphyxia.
Dr.Dionysus Lardner, professor of astronomy, University College, London, c. 1830.

Not to be used as protection from a tornado.
label on a blanket from Taiwan.

 

[Faramir]

some funny things ala Leno style

some tidbits taken from newspapers, ads, etc.

 

[Faramir]

more...

more stuff

 

[Faramir]

and some more...

and even more

 

[Faramir]

more...

I'm on a roll here....!!

the last three are just to fill up the max...!!

 

[nessonite1]

ROLF Stormie! Love that kinda stuff. 😛
Our bottle of Triaminic (children's cold medicine) is covered with silliness such as...

The dosage is 2 teaspoons and it warns in bold letters
do not exceed reccomended dosage
yet the dosage cup goes up to 4 teaspoons.

Also it's a night time forumila (knock the kid out so he doesn't stay up all night) but it warns
May cause excitability, especially in children.

Gee, thanks!

 

[MistressValerie1]

'Puters

Great stuff, Stormy 🙂

A couple more from me ...