Maybe I should post this in the other thread about the posessions, not sure, but something happened today..
No, one thread seems to be enough for now Mitchell.
I went to visit my mom at the home. At first, she seemed okay. After lunch, she had a lot of pain in her stomach. The nurses told me that when I wasnt there yesterday, she was happy, and such. I'm beginning to wonder if seeing me, is making her sad/unhappy, because she doesnt want to leave me.
This is a definite possibility. Have you seen the movie
What Dreams May Come with Robin Williams? After he is killed in a car accident (while saving somebody else), his "spirit" remains on earth in an attempt to comfort his wife (who has now lost her husband and children). However, as it evolves, he learns he is hurting her more than he is helping her. When she senses his presence or wonders if he's there, it takes her longer to mourn and to get over the pain.
This is why it is important for you to spend time alone (not necessarily offline) to strengthen your own resolve. It's inevitable that your mother is doing to die. Sad, but true. Another man (God) loves her and needs her more than you do. After that, you're going to have to go on living your life. Do you have anything in the works? This is why I said you should spend time alone... just because quite often, our lives are so full of chaos and disorder that we rarely (if ever) take time to just unplug from everything and listen to our own thoughts. Some people don't even know how to do that anymore with the advent of all the technology we have.
Your mother loves you, but she probably wants you to move on as well. Maybe it's just not something she's able to say to you, but out of respect, maybe you could start having more of a life (I say that in a nice way) and SHOW her how happy you are... or at least on the way... instead of pretending you're happy.
Yes, when people die and go to Heaven (or Hell), we mourn their passing, but try to smile more and celebrate your mother's existence? Be thankful for all the good memories you have with her. At the very least, instead of being a sad, crying son for her in her last days, you can be strong and happy for her. She deserves smiles, not tears.
Finally, it's time for you to get over your issues with God and pray. While it may sound harsh and insensitive, everything you're going through (which is more than many people on this forum), there are thousands (if not millions) of people that still have it worse. It's difficult for us to see that when we're actively going through something ourselves, so if you think you have it bad, think of how it could be worse... even if it's "silly" little things you just mentioned you're thankful for (internet, cable, TV, movies, etc.). Your life is great compared to others. God is testing you, so if you think this is hard and you're "giving up" on him, well, for your mother's sake, you should still have faith, at least until she passes and is secure in Heaven. After all, she'll be spending eternity there, so giving up now while you're here on Earth isn't good for her in the afterlife.
According to the nurses, she isnt medically close to death yet. I think she looks dreadful, even though they claim she eats, and has gained 3-4 lbs this week. She got sick to her stomach twice while I was there.
Probably hospital food. You should make and bring her food from home. To cut down on costs, it's possible that they might put things in hospital food that patients aren't aware of and can't detect.
I'm relieved we are having loving visits. It's so emotionally draining. Then, I think of the alternative, and think if she wasnt there for me to visit, and I'm thankful I can still visit her, emotionally draining or not.
That's wonderful you're enjoying her final days, Mitchell. Remember to concentrate on yourself though as well. Everybody wants that, including your mother and God (more than anybody). No matter how much you run away or fight, you can't escape him, and he'll always be there for you.
