Taking A Turn For The Worst..

[Leo tickles]

I've learned in life that the things you view as automatic or average, sometimes can be extraordinary. I do it to myself, too. What you've done and keep doing for her is pretty fucking extraordinary, buddy.

 

[HiddenFruit]

I'm hopeful for you too. It's never easy to have an ailing family member to be so far away. Regardless of financial problems, just the stress of not being nearby in a worse-case scenario is nerve-wracking.

There's nothing I can really do but hope for you and for the best.

 

[Mitchell]

Libertine, I'm sorry to hear about how your parents and aunt were.

To me, my mom's funeral certainly wont be a "victory". As bad as things are, I know I'm still going to be very upset when the call comes that she died, and at her funeral. The only relief, if there is such a thing, is that she wont be suffering anymore, and i wont be suffering along with her.

Thanks, Leo. I understand what you mean, but I still dont view it as extraordinary, because, as I said before, I feel that my mom is/was deservant of all the loyalty I've shown her during her ordeal.

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

Thanks, HiddenFruit. I appreciate your wishes.

I;ve started another thread discussing my mom's situation in the nursing home. It isnt good. Shes essentially removed herself from me emotionally. I've been told this is because of the tumors, but it still hurts, of course. Unfortunately, it looks like things may get worse before they get better.

Mitch

 

[GEORGIATKLER]

It does sound like you have a workable plan by reducing the visits per week. This is less strain and cost for you and still allows your mother to see you. You could probably visit her at noon on a given day and then, even if you went back at 4:00 pm, she would not remember the earlier visit in the day. You will still be doing ALL you can for your mother. Due to her physical and mental condition, she is not able to realize/accept this. Take care of yourself and I hope you both have a better day tomorrow. Like the song says: One day at a time......

 

[Mitchell]

Thanks Georgia. I appreciate your thoughts.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day than today. I'm seeing my father for the first time since January 2010, so I'm guessing that will be emotional.

The crazy thing is.. its not even a question of not remembering. She remembers things, like the fact that I was estranged from my father before they found the latest cancer in her brain, and then called him. The problem isnt so much her remembering, as it is just an angry personality, which has vicious outbursts.

As I posted before, I'm going to take a three day break from there, before bringing my aunt to visit my mom on Tuesday. With the way my mom is, I doubt she'll even care that we visited her, and will probably get angry at us for visiting her.

Mitch

 

[CrystalLight]

Mitchell ,

I've merged all your threads on the topic matter of things going on in your life into one master thread. Please try and limit the amount of threads you make on the topic and/or please utilize the blogging feature. This will give other users a chance to have their threads seen easier.

Thank you for your cooperation.

- Jo

 

[Mitchell]

Okay, I'll do that.

So.. on the topic of my life..

Today was my first meeting with my father since January 30, 2010. I would classify the meeting as fair, at best, and it made me realize a few things.

Bottom line:... I know now, and will always know, that my father doesnt, and will never.. love me in the way that a parent should love their child. He'll write.,. "I love you unconditionally", but its just words.

Even as my mom lies in a nursing home dying, he started his old shit about how he could have been "nastier" how he had paid alimony. Sigh! Not something I needed to hear now. Its like.. in a few weeks, he wins.. mom dies, alimony is over.

Then,.. I'm leaning toward wanting to live in a certain town in NY. In spite of knowing how I feel.. and wanting to keep an open mind, he suggested all these other towns.

I also wanted to have a work situation set up when I move. I'll have some money, but dont want to utilize it.. My mom and I have a business idea we have wanted to do, which we now cant together. When I suggested it to him, instead of keeping an open mind, and saying he'd look into it.. he said "That wil never work". Again, sigh!

He'll say.. "I'm going to be there to support you". (Emotionally) This whole thing with my mom and me is a war to him. I cant help but think that when my mom dies, there isnt going to be a perverse sense of "I won, Sheila croaked, and now Mitch has to do it my way.. or else". I'm going to have to see a whole bunch of people, who quite frankly dont mean anything to me. It wont bother me, because I'm not emotionally tied into them, but.. my father is going to just love it.

He also took no responsibility whatsoever for the emotional or financial damage he did to my mom and me. In his mind, the whole thing was my fault, and he felt justified in dumping me when my mom had cancer.

In life, I know that people have to make due with situations they dont like. This is how it's going to be with him. I'm going to have to be big, and brave, and just deal with whatever comes my way with him. I have little choice. In the end, he will be the loser, because I will never feel the same way about him as I do about my mom.

That's all. I dont know when I'm seeing him again. My aunt is coming Monday, and there will be trips to the nursing home. After my mom does pass, I have to pull myself up by the bootstraps very quickly, so as to have to lean on him as little as possible.

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

One other thing.. A second sign of his hypocrisy.

My father will say to me "You have to worry about yourself". If in fact he was so concerned about me.. he would listen to me, and take into account what I want.. as far as where I want to live.. or what business I want to do. All he's fixated on is "People (Who mean nothing to me) will be willing to welcome you back". I did nothing to these "people" None of them ever reached out to me, or tried to faciltate a reconcilation between me and him at any time. They took what he said at face value, and made me the bad guy in the whole estrangement.

As I said, I have to swallow my pride, and make the best of it. I have little choice. Probably the only way I will be really free of him, is if I accomplish my goals, where I never need him for anything.,. or one day.. when he 's dead. Until then.. I'll simply have to make due with what is.

Mitch

Also, as I've posted before, I havent spoken to my uncle in 25 years. Since its my mom whose dying, and my uncle has admitted he was "wrong", I asked my father to have my uncle contact me. When my grandfather died, I had been estranged from my uncle. I was only 12 at the time, yet, at the funeral, sought him out to open communication. When I requested that my uncle contact me now, my father said "You're making too much of a big deal out of it, let it happen". Again, not caring what I want, at the worst time of my life. Only caring about what's best for him and my uncle. Sigh! Not worth complaining about. Again, it is what it is.

 

[Mitchell]

In reference to what Crystal said..

I will try very hard not to make any new threads on these topics.. until my mom dies. At that point, I will make a new thread announcing her death to the forum. Besides that, I will either post it in this thread.. or in the blog. When my mom does pass, I'm sure I will want to create a support thread to get support from my friends. Hopefully the mods will understand that. Thanks.

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

I just figured it out, and I think this is part of the problem. In addition to the fact that my mom is going to die, and the emotional trauma of that, this apartment.. is essentially.. the graveyard of my life.

It's probably the length of time.. 13 years.. that I've lived here, and the fact that I'm a history major. I remember scenes. The day we moved in here, and the movers saying it was one of the worst moves they ever had, with the huge furniture they had to carry in. The day I collapsed from my first fainting spell seizure in 2000, and my mom calling my father. All the Thursdays with my ex best friend for 12 years. The computer sessions and meetings with Market America for 3 years. Calling the EMS many times, and my mom's trips to the hospitals. Now.. I'm all alone here, and my mom is in some far away nursing home, waiting to die.

I think the nights are hardest. My mom used to sleep with her lights and TV on all night, a habit her parents used to have. Now, I dont turn on the lights in her room at all, to save on my power bill.

My father called me a bit ago, and I probably unwisely lost it with him on the phone, and started crying. He said he knows I'm having a horrible time. My internist, two years ago, said he knew this would be awful for me if it happened. My father says he's going to be there to support me, but I want to try and limit my carrying on with him.

Another tough thing is going to be when my aunt comes tomorrow. She's a very nervous person. The main reason I'm having her here, is because she hasnt seen my mom in several years, and I want the sisters to see each other before my mom dies. The regrettable thing is.. my mom probably wont even recognize my aunt, and will just start going off. The nurses say my mom is fine when I'm not there, making this even more of a killer. I'm the villian. The hospital chaplin, the nurses, doctors, even my family.. no one knows if I'll be able to have that last "I love you" conversation before my mom passes. My father told me yesterday of a situation where when my grandfather was terminal, my grandmother left for the day, to allow father and son to have one last "I love you" conversation. I doubt I'll get that chance. I dont even know if my mom knows I love her. It wont be like she died, and everyone can say "She knew". When she was coherant, yes, she knew, but now..

So thats in this same thread, and hopefully should be okay. Any further development other than death, will go in my blog, once this thread goes to the second page.

Mitch

 

[b0xr]

Hey Mitchell I'm so sorry to hear about all your troubles. You are going through what seems to be the roughest time of your life and it's going to be very difficult to make any life changing choices while you are in that state. Take your time and think things through before you make any big decisions. Good luck with everything.

 

[Mitchell]

Thank you, boxr. I know that some changes will be made. Its going to be roughest because of how my father is, and that I will need his help. Losing my mom will be bad enough. I posted a long blog entry about my feelings, so as not to have to clutter up the main forum with it.


I honestly dont know what is going to be next, except I do know that my father loves every minute of my pain and heartbreak over my mom. He wins now, but one day, he will be the ultimate loser, as even if I have to deal with him, he will never have my love and respect like my mom does.

Mitch

 

[kis123]

Thank you, boxr. I know that some changes will be made. Its going to be roughest because of how my father is, and that I will need his help. Losing my mom will be bad enough. I posted a long blog entry about my feelings, so as not to have to clutter up the main forum with it.


I honestly dont know what is going to be next, except I do know that my father loves every minute of my pain and heartbreak over my mom. He wins now, but one day, he will be the ultimate loser, as even if I have to deal with him, he will never have my love and respect like my mom does.
Mitch

Mitch,

I want to let you know that you have been handling things very well considering all the major stressors you're dealing with. You've been dealing well with your father but I see you slipping a bit. Take his assistance but respectfully remind him that whatever he thinks about your mother now, at one time he thought differently or you wouldn't be here.

Try to take him for who and what he is because he's not going to change. But he's extended himself to you and is probably doing the best he can. Go into this with your eyes wide open with as little expectations as possible. Once things are done, you can decide if you want to deal with him and his family or not, but right now he serves a purpose (whether you see it or not). Be glad he's trying and do your best to be patient.

I know your nerves are raw especially since your mother has been on the attack. Try something when you go visit her. If she yells "I hate you", mentally replace it with "son, you know I love you but I can't help myself." If she yells "I wish you were dead", replace it with "I wish I wasn't dying right now and I'll miss you." If she yells anything irrational, replace it with "I love you son but I just can't find the right words." "I mean to say one thing, but the wrong words keep coming out."

It's tough Mitch; try your best not to take it personally or hold her bad words in your heart. She doesn't mean them. You're the love of her life, as she is yours.

Remain blessed and at peace

 

[Mitchell]

kis, thanks for your advice.

As for my father, it really goes back and forth. Sometimes he will say he loves me and is going to emotionally support me through this, and other times he goes off. I think I will need to just take it one incident at a time, and if something happens, try to express my feelings to him in a calm, non combative way.

I see what you're saying about my mom. I havent seen her since Friday. My aunt came down from NJ today. The sisters havent seen each other in several years, so I'm concerned about what will happen when I take my aunt to visit my mom tomorrow. I know my aunt will be very emotional, but my mom might well just throw us out of there. I call the home once or twice a day, and the nurses tell me shes okay, sits in the chair, etc. Seeing me causes her to lose it. I really think part of it is that shes angry that shes going to die, and doubly angry because she thinks I'm going to create this ideal life with my father and his family once shes gone. As I've consistently said, I will be devestated when my mom dies, and, no matter what happens, will never feel the same about my father as I do about my mom.

I hope that tomorrow goes okay. I'm nervous for both my aunt, and my mom. I also found out I was called to a conference about my mom's care next week. I'm very concerned about that.

I know I have to say one day at a time, but sometimes its easier said than done.

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

And the bad news continues..

I havent been to see my internist since Feb 2011. I was going to go when my mom was declared "cancer free", and was trying to shed some pounds. Then, when she was diagnosed with the brain tumors, my family advised me to put it off, due to the stress I'm under, and being slightly overweight. I just got a call from my internist's nurse, who told me the Dr is refusing to refill my meds until I see him. Sigh! I'm currently seven to ten lbs over what he wants me at on my scale, which would mean I'm probably fifteen lbs overweight on his scale. With everything that's going to happen to me, I just didnt need to hear "You're overweight, you have high bp,. and I have to see you every month". GRRRR! I told the nurse about all thats going on, even though he should know already because he's my mom's Dr too, and asked him to refill a few more meds until I can get into see him. I hope he does it. A Dr visit for myself is not what I need now, and will only add to my stress.

Sigh! When it rains, it pours.

Mitch

 

[Jericho716]

Mitchell, sorry to hear about all of this.

Remember... everything that happens is GOD'S WILL.

Nothing will happen unless God wants it to.

If he wants you to lose weight, you will. If he doesn't want you to, you won't.

There's nothing we can do about this but accept it.

When our loved ones die, God wanted them more than we did.

It might be best to log off for awhile to decrease the stress.

Try meditation or writing poetry or things of this sort.

Let go and let God. He controls you whether you want him to or not. Same with all of us.

 

[Mitchell]

Jericho, with all due respect, I'm not very into God right now. I said prayers every night for two years, and they didnt work. My mom is going to die anyway.. so..

As for logging off: Er.. no. I like being here, reading the forum, and the support of my friends. I have no intention of logging off.

People deal with life altering circumstances like death in different ways. I'm one who believes that no one can really understand, unless they are standing in that person's shoes.

Mitch

 

[kis123]

Jericho, with all due respect, I'm not very into God right now. I said prayers every night for two years, and they didnt work. My mom is going to die anyway.. so..

As for logging off: Er.. no. I like being here, reading the forum, and the support of my friends. I have no intention of logging off.

People deal with life altering circumstances like death in different ways. I'm one who believes that no one can really understand, unless they are standing in that person's shoes.

Mitch

I can understand you're probably pretty upset with God (or insert your diety here _______) but Jericho has a point. These things are not in our hands and we have to play out the hand dealt to us. Your mom put up one helluva fight and she'll have the opportunity to rest soon.

Your emotions are all over the place and I wish I could tell you things will get better soon, but that would be lying. Everyone has their own way of coping and Jericho was sharing his as a way to bring you some comfort and peace.

But I do understand your position on the matter as well. Hang in there Mitch.......just hang in there.

 

[Leo tickles]

The last thing we need here is a God war.

Mitch, it doesn't matter what you do or don't believe in. If something is out there, it didn't help you. You helped yourself remain strong enough to do the right thing day in and day out, and continue to do so. That's what is important here, not some maybe real deity.

 

[kis123]

The last thing we need here is a God war.

I couldn't agree more.

Besides things like this tend to have an extra sting when our loved ones are dying/transitioning. I know it was the last thing I wanted to hear. But that was a long time ago too and I've gotten past the bitterness that can sometimes accompany the loss so I guess I was looking from a different perspective.

I don't want to tell Mitch what to do or who/what to believe in. This is his situation and I only want him to handle this as peacefully as possible. If I offended, I certainly didn't intend to.

 

[Mitchell]

kis, I have two problems with what Jericho said. One.. telling me about God, and two.. telling me to log off. Its like Jericho was telling me what to do, when Jericho is not standing in my shoes. Logging off is the last thing I need to do. I need to be here with my friends, and reading posts, even about things that have nothing to do with my mom. It keeps me involved.

I went to see my mom today, and she was very cohearent and emotional. My aunt was with me. My mom and aunt havent seen each other for several years, and.. for the first time since my mom is in the home, she connected with me.

Leo, I agree with you that if something is out there, it didnt help me, and that I helped myself. My father, with all my criticism and negative feelings for him, told me I've remained remarkably strong through the worst time of my life. I would have to say he's right.

I'm trying to hang in. Some days are better than others, of course. Thankfully my mom seemed okay today, but we dont know what tomorrow will bring.. or.. when the dreaded call will come.

 

[Mitchell]

kis, you didnt offend me. Its okay. I said my peace and how I feel.

Mitch

 

[kis123]

kis, you didnt offend me. Its okay. I said my peace and how I feel.

Mitch

Well glad to know but I think at this point unless something far more serious came up, I'll just lurk and you just say and do whatever comes to you and whatever gets you from one day to the next. I don't want to tread on your feelings.

Remain at peace and PM if you need me.

 

[Leo tickles]

Mitch, in the best interest of you, I will say two things about what Jericho said. One, he was giving his take on the situation, which is perfectly fine.

Two, there is no use disputing things right now with forum members. This is a good support base for you, with lots of good people. Don't get it locked by spending energy just because of a disagreement and a different stance.