Taking A Turn For The Worst..

[Mitchell]

I found out today that my mom wasnt being moved, and might be moved tomorrow, so I came home for a break.

Last night was a bad night. She was in excruciating pain. Several pain meds didnt help. This morning she was in a lot of pain too, but was sleeping when I left the hospital.

Her Dr in NJ thinks the hosp in Lancaster isnt doing enough to make her comfortable. I dont know. I'm going back to the hosp around 4. If shes still uncomfortable, I'm going to talk to the Dr on call, or the head nurse.

Mitch

 

[isabeau]

No they aren't doing enough for her pain...there should be ample means of supplying her with medication to alleviate the worst of her pain...

Mitch, the doctors should be able to tell you how much time she has left...when my father was dying, the doctor, an oncologist, was able to inform us that he had less than a week to go...and he was correct.

It's not that terrible to be in a room when someone dies...i was with my father, since he died at my home...he had gone into a morphine induced coma for several hours before his death...his breathing was harsh until right before he died, when his breathing calmed down a bit.

Good luck, and i know exactly what you are dealing with.

 

[Mitchell]

Thanks, izzy.

As for how much time she has left, the Drs told me at this point all they can give me is a "range". Last week one Dr said 4 to 6 weeks, while another said 1 to 2 months. They claim they will be able to narrow it down as the time gets closer. Right now, from looking at her, although I'm not a Dr, I'd say my mom cant have more than a month left. She's lost an incredible amount of weight just in the 2 plus weeks she's been hospitalized.

Whatever happens, I hate to see her suffer. That is the most painful thing, after all shes been through.

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

I should also post that I stood up to my aunt. Originally she was going to come for 3 days. With all her carrying on about herself, my dad doesnt think I can take any added stress, and told me that he thinks she should come down from NY, and return home the same day. I've done the trip up to NY and back in the same day, a couple of times, when I went to visit my dad. As I realize it will be a stressful time, I thought that might be too much for my aunt, so, I firmly told her today that she can stay one night, and then has to leave. She meekly complied. My dad says that I need to worry about only myself and my mom. I agree. I'm still not sure how I'm going to react when I come back home for good, even before my mom passes. I think I might be best being by myself, especially since my aunt is such a nervous, selfish person.

I'm very worried about my mom's increasing pain. I hope they can help her. If not, I may tell them to contact her oncologist in NJ.

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

The nurses say that my mom doesnt look as if shes close to death yet. Even though she's extremely thin, every nurse I've talked to said there is a "look of death", a certain skin color, etc,. and my mom thankfully doesnt have that yet. Most nurses I've talked to said they think that my mom's passing is at least a month away. I will say, though, that with as much pain as my mom was in between last night and today, if shes going to suffer like this, I pray the end comes quickly so she doesnt have to be in so much pain.

I hope the pain subsides, so she can at least be comfortable. Watching her in such agony, breaks my heart.

Mitch

 

[kopfhorer]

It would certainly break mine too.

 

[Mitchell]

Thanks, kop.

I'm still in the hosp. My mom was in horrible pain last night. She might be moved to a nursing home today, in which case I will be home. If shes not moved today, she will be here through the weekend, and I will go home for a visit tomorrow.

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

Well, there will be no move today, as there are no beds available. She is here through the weekend at least.

Most disturbing is that shes in a huge amount of pain, and is refusing meds. She spits out oral meds, and is violent, so they cant get near her with an IV. I've begged her to take the meds, and the Dr said I could give it to her myself, with a nurse or Dr present. No go.

So... the latest plan is to try and give her meds in droplets in her mouth, like they would to a baby. I dont know if it will work, but I'm trying.

I'm planning on going home tomorrow, just to get some break. My dad, God Bless him, is very worried about me. He's asked if he can help, but there's honestly nothing he can do. I'm supposed to see him next Saturday, hopefully. How ironic it will be if he provides the shoulder for me to cry on when this is all over, after all the problems we've had.

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

Could Things Possibly Get Weirder/Worse.. ? Yep!

Each time I think things cant get any weirder or worse, they do..

Remember my summer.. where I was gone from home, and in a hotel? Well it may well happen again..

The social worker told me that there are no nursing home spaces available in Lancaster/York Counties. The closest one is near Reading. Since I dont drive, it would be too much/unfair for me to ask the driver to drive me there every day. So... a situation similar to the one I had when I was living in NJ over the summer is what may happen. I would have to put my mom in the nursing home, live in a hotel, maybe a Hampton Inn again, just like over the summer, for the rest of my mom's life, however long that is, and find transportation/food, etc. This could be for up to 2 months.. or maybe 3. The doctors/nurses, and hospital chaplin all told me that my mom doesnt look anywhere near close to death.

This would be worse than over the summer in a few ways. One.. in the summer., my mom was at the hotel with me, and we stayed in the hospital together when the Drs hospitalized her. Two, I'd be all by myself in a strange town where I know no one. In Denville, I knew all the Drs/nurses at the hospital. Three, I'd be very far from my family and friends, in Guam essentially. In the summer a friend came to see me. This time, unless my aunt decides to. or my dad decides to take the drive, I'd be alone.


I asked both my dad and the hospital chaplin about trying to take my mom up to NJ to place her in a home there. The chaplin talked about the insurance issue, plus, everyone agrees that a 150 mile ambulance ride might kill my mom. Reading is only 35-40 miles from here.

I dont know what the hell is going to happen next. This may all happen by Monday. I hope the hotel has a computer, because I'm not sure if I want to take my new laptop, unless I can rent one while I'm there.

Big Sigh!

Mitch

 

[Libertine]

My sympathies to you in an uncertain situation with a predetermined ending. Sometimes when they sense that the end is inevitable although not immediate, terminal patients fight off all offers of emotional and medical aid- becoming very nasty to relatives, and ripping out IVs and refusing medication. My parents only did the first of the three, an uncle of mine did all three. If you have a philosphical turn of mind, you could say they are isolating themselves so that they can do alone what must be done alone.

I will have to say that while this is sad, it's not a tragedy.

It is our job, our responsibility, and the natural order of things, to bury our parents, and if they die at a reasonable age.....

Psalm 90:10, King James Version "The days of our years are threescore years and ten; and if by reason of strength they be fourscore years, yet is their strength labour and sorrow; for it is soon cut off, and we fly away."

... which means between 70 and 80, life is proceeding as it should.

Tragedy is when a parent has to bury a child.

Very best wishes, and if there is no hope, a quick resolution of this sad situation is the best thing possible. At least it's bringing you and your father together after all these years.

 

[GQguy]

Hmmm. 40 miles is the issue? Wow...So you're going to stay in a hotel for a couple of months 40 miles away? At that rate you'd be better off just renting a room or subletting a space or just moving out all together. It'd be much cheaper.

GQ

 

[Mitchell]

I cant pack my apartment in two days, GQ.

As for renting a space.. hmmm., I could look into that. I'd have to find transportation.

I will have to come back to Lancaster after my mom dies. I havent even started packing yet. I didnt know anything was going to happen until less than three weeks ago, and except for a couple of hours a week at home, I have been at the hosp 24-7 otherwise.

I could look into an apt. I have a cell phone, so phone isnt an issue.

I'll think about it.

Mitch

 

[Myriads]

40 miles is less then an hour drive.

Mr annoying Driver should be put to work for one last time over these months. To take you where you need to be. Then home again. Each day.

He's an employee. Use him.

Myriads

 

[Mitchell]

Myriads, I thank you for your insight. What you said, and my own thoughts, caused me to have a change of view.

I talked to my father this morning, and explained to him that it would be absolutely traumatic, to live in a strange hotel, in a stramge town, in my mom's final days, knowing that her death is coming. At first, I think my father was leaning toward my staying near the home, but, after explaining my position, he was able to see it from my perspective.

I haven't told the driver about this development yet. I guarantee that he will bitch and complain. While he hasnt done any of that recently, he's one of these people, much like my ex best friend, who likes life in a neat little package. The driver will be making a lot of money over the next weeks/couple of months if I go back and forth each day. As my father said, if there's a day or two the driver legitimately cant take me, I can stay over, but.. one or two nights.. isnt the same as staying in a strange hotel for weeks on end during an otherwise horrible situation. If I live at home, I can sleep in my own bed, talk to my friends, start to ready the apartment, etc. If I'm gone for two months, I lose that time.

I'm going to take Myriads and my father's suggestions. What you both said is what I would feel most comfortable with too. I'm just going to tell the driver that this is what has to be done. Many times he's done things that arent convinient for me, like taking off every Saturday in the fall for his grandson's football games. This is one time he's just going to have to come through.

Mitch

 

[isabeau]

Ya i'd do what Myriads suggests...you will feel so much more comfortable and able to deal with things as they occur in the privacy and constancy of your own surroundings, not to mention that sleeping in hotel beds always takes me a few days re adjustment..

Good luck Mitch and damn your luck should improve hopefully...

My thoughts are with you and your mom.

 

[Mitchell]

Thanks izzy.

I talked to the driver. He told me he is willing to take me back and forth each day. The price he will charge me would be about the same as hotel and meals. I feel more comfortable at home. I can sleep in my own bed, start pulling the apt apart, etc.

I'm still leaning on the social worker to try and find something closer. This isnt etched in stone yet. It may be by tomorrow. Whatever way it works, living home is best.

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

Something else happened last night/today. I want to start this post by saying I do NOT want to turn this into a religious debate.. but.. this was more about an.. overzealous minister.

The lady across the hall from my mom is sick, but not close to death.. as far as I know. Yesterday, and today, some minister visited the lady. My mom's room door was open, so I heard every word this guy was saying. Never once did he say "I pray for your health to improve". His entire "sermon" at the top of his lungs, was one thing "Do you think the Lord is ready to call you home". The lady's family was clearly disputing him.

While my mom will occasionally say "I want to die, God take me", if she's in a lot of pain, I know that she's afraid to die. I was on the phone with my aunt while all this with the minister was occurring, and my aunt was like "If that guy enters mom's room, throw him out". His demeanor was really pissing me off. If he was not a member of the cloth, I would have told him to get the hell out, and go fuck himself.

The hospital chaplin, who I've mentioned before, has been very kind to me, has gently discussed my mom's passing, but her conversations are about mom, me, my life, mom's life, and our relationship. It's not all "The Lord is ready to call you home". She will mention "God's plan", but it is never in a way that's hurtful to the family.

I'm hopeful that minister didnt get at my mom while I was away from the hospital. Hopefully the other people will get tired of him, and he will take his sermons somewhere else.

Mitch

 

[Leo tickles]

I agree with Myriads and your decision. Use your employee. He apparently agrees to do what needs to be done, which is good. At a tragic time like this the one thing you can be thankful for is that a lot of people are coming together to help you, be it here on the forum, your driver, your family, everybody is on your side working towards a better future for you. That's an amazing thing, even under the circumstances.

 

[Mitchell]

Thanks, Leo. I agree with what you just said, and I certainly appreciate everyone's support.

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

One other problem, but I was told that its to be expected, due to my mom's condition.

As a result of the swelling in her brain, my mom has had several seizures, and mini strokes. Yesterday I found her limp in her bed, her food all over the bed. I called the nurse, and after about five minutes my mom came around., I was very concerned at first, because I thought she had died. One of the doctors gave the nurse a message to give to me, and his message was "Tell Mitch we're doing everything we can, but the possibility of multiple seizures, small strokes, and a large stroke, is very real". I understand that. When I asked the Dr if he thought my mom could have a stroke which would take her before the cancer kills her, he said its possible, but he didnt think so.

Probably just another complication in a multitude of them. I hope the stroke and seizure meds can prevent this from happening.

Mitch

 

[Mitchell]

Thanks, Libertine. What you mentioned is happening to a degree. My mom is refusing meds, and hiding some of the meds.

I understand what you said about natural order of life to bury our parents. My dad told me the same thing. It doesnt make it any easier to deal with, even though I know its a reality.

I wouldnt even want to think of what would happen if my mom had to bury me. That would have killed her even if she was still healthy. Unless I have an unexpected accident, heart attack, or stroke in the next few weeks, it will be me burying my mom, and she wont have to worry about burying me.

Mitch

 

[Bugman]

40 miles is less then an hour drive.

Mr annoying Driver should be put to work for one last time over these months. To take you where you need to be. Then home again. Each day.

He's an employee. Use him.

Myriads

I agree Mitch. He was hired to do a job. He can do that, or quit. I doubt you have him chained to anything. Sorry you can't find a place for your mother in Lancaster.

 

[Crazy Wabbit]

Mitchell, I don't know you personally nor have we ever talked in the past. However, I am very sorry to hear the news about your mother. Being a person who has lost two people who were closest to me, my grandmother and grandfather (both of them adopted me at an early age after my mom divorced my biological father in order to keep him out of my life growing up), it is a terrible thing to have to deal with. What's' even more heartbreaking is when a decision is to be made whether to try to prolong their life or to just let them go on their own.

The latter of those two ended up being what ended up being done with my grandmother. She was 86 when she passed away. Towards the end, she had a bunch of things go wrong with her. She had heart problems, had to have an operation where part of her colon was removed, had to have a pacemaker, she was beginning to have TIA's (mini strokes), had esophagitis where she could no longer eat on her own, caught pneumonia, and was beginning to get adult onset diabetes right before she passed.

The doctor recommended that she be operated on despite the fact that she had pneumonia at the time because she was becoming weaker and weaker. My mom was the power of attorney and she approved of the doctor to perform the operation to have a feeding tube placed into her abdomen. However, the operation ended up making her worse because her immune system was already ran down from everything that was wrong with her and my mother from that point forward decided it was in her best interest to just "get her comfortable and to let her go on her own". So, I do have some sort of an idea as to how you are feeling and what you must be going through right now.

You and your mother will be in my thoughts.

 

[leafstk]

I'm so sorry it has come to this, Mitch 🙁 Hang in there, I will keep you both in my prayers.

 

[Mitchell]

Thanks, Bug. He agreed to do it. The issue has been settled.

I also settled the issue in regard to Mister "I think the Lord is ready to call you home". I told the nurses about him, and how my mom doesnt want to talk anything about death. I left instructions that if he goes anywhere near my mom, to ask him to leave. While I understand about freedom of religion, etc, hearing such things would completely upset my mom now. Luckiily, the nurses understood my position, and said if he shows his face in my mom's room, they will ask him to leave.

She seems in less pain and in better spirits today. Hopefully God willing that will continue.

Mitch