Virgin?

[chicago]

I get what you're saying. I was mainly talking about romantic
Rejection.

But, I guess family Rejection could be just as devastating.

I, myself, wouldn't call it a a fear of Rejection. I think whoever (sorry, didn't catch your name) mentioned trying to avoid it meant it like trying to avoid the pain of it. But, you have to stand up to the pain, and put yourself out there.

This is very well said, and I mean, it's not like one has to think about going at it alone, use resources like friends, family (if appropriate), and even the advice of people here to help get through tough spots. We all need someone to lean on sometimes, not to sound cheesy haha, but I think looking at it like that can make it less scary?

 

[Lisatheticklee]

I think that's not true. I know a lot of males who simply aren't successful with women, who aren't able to meet lots of different women, etc. etc. There are plenty of reason why young men can't have relationships, even if they want to. There was an article in the Guardian a few weeks ago and plenty people there spoke about very different reasons why they fail to have romantic connections. Also it seems to be a general trend, if you look at Japan for example or the rising number of people feeling detached or lonely.

I'm not saying you can't change certain patterns of your behaviour, but there's sometimes a limit to this, depending on what your situation is.

I saw something similar in the SCMP. It basically talked about how the one-child policy and traditional values (Preferring boys over girls/If you don't marry by X age you're a failure) is creating this class of men in China (And to some extent India too) who will never marry because of a lack of women, especially in the rural areas and a lot of men being in migrant jobs so they can never settle down and really know someone. It's not really on topic but thought it'd serve as a little tidbit.

 

[tickle gamer]

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-59COFjB6Sk

Sorry. Had to do this after Chicago made that pun. But, still, very true.

 

[MeatyBreastedDullness]

If men's and women's standards are both "so outrageous that no one can compete", wouldn't that mean there are a huge number of people out there looking for someone who'll just take them as they are?

You would think so but social media has skewed most of society's views.

 

[lovelovelove]

The situation you're describing is absolutely not uncommon at all! I would know from personal experience.

Sometimes you can "force" yourself to do things and rush yourself uncomfortably just to prove to yourself or others that you're desirable, but maybe it's much better to pursue your own pleasure rather than losing your virginity for the sake of someone other than yourself.

It can be difficult and lonely to build and maintain relationships of all kinds. I do not have much advice for you except to not feel at all bad for what you want and however long it takes you to find that. I think that's what sex positivity is all about! Virginity is just a fact of a matter, not really a cause for pride or shame.

 

[lovelovelove]

It depends how you view sex it's not the most important thing to some people. Women are capable of connecting with somebody outside of sex

This reminds me of an argument I heard between two girls once about what is "necessary" in a sexual relationship with a man. One girl was worried she could never find someone who didn't want to have sex with her more than anything else with her, and she was arguing with a girl who happened to enjoy having sex a lot and said it was unreasonable to expect that you could find someone who didn't prioritize sex in relationships.

It just goes to show, sex is a very intimate and personal subject with all people, and maybe there aren't rules for preferences for it except the ones we personally value and negotiate.

 

[BlasterMaster]

I met my girlfriend when I was 28 years old and had not had sex until I met her and we dated for two weeks. Fear of rejection had nothing to do with it. I simply wasn't in an economic situation that enabled me to date a woman until I reached 28 years of age (where my situation improved [aka better apartment, livable wage, relatively decent car, etc etc]).

 

[teamtickleguy]

I think I lost my virginity at 22/23.. can't recall specifically but at the time it felt like I'd left it ages - I was waiting for someone I trusted and felt that I loved as much as I could without having had the full sexual connection. I do believe sex and sexual activity is a massive part of a connection between partners, but you can sure as hell love someone without it. You also can't tell who 'the one' is until later on in a relationship and having sex is a part of finding that I think, unless you're just looking for a close 'soulmate' type connection with lots of affection and sexual contact but no actual sex.

It turned out that my first time partner was actually the most insignificant partnerships of the three that I've had, but I don't regret anything.

With each of my previous sexual partners I've been the one who has wanted to wait that little bit longer. Not sure if that's just because I want it to be on my own terms, or whether I want it to just happen naturally and randomly rather than 'to script'.
I don't value or crave sex in the same way that many do. I wouldn't be without it though as some of my most powerful memories involve sex.

You should be able to achieve some sort of deep connection or intense chemistry with someone without having sex. When you feel that it's time to crack on and it will only get deeper (no pun intended..)

Cheers
TTG

 

[rollingburrito]

I was 24 when I lost my “flower”. Or you could say had my “cherry popped”. However before that I made out with girls, but nothing further than that. 24 is late blooming I guess, but I’m not proud to have lost my cherry to a complete asshole and player. It feels good at first, but there is that guilt of exposing a huge chunk of yourself to someone who just basically used you up like a piece of meat.

 

[Secretlee]

I am 22 and I am still a virgin, although mostly I feel like that is due to lack of trying on my part over recent years. It is not something that I am worried about at this point.

 

[duderino84]

Believe me. I know how you feel. I am in my late 30's and still a virgin.

It can get pretty lonely at times. Let's just say, I am no stranger to self love (trying to keep it clean).

You just have to take it on a day-by-day basis. Hang in there.

Nothing wrong with that dude. Idk, by my standards I'm not a virgin but I've gotten far enough along to know where my trust reaches it's borders.

I've had my high and low points with dating.... and at 35 I'm still trying to see if I net anyone who actually meets me in the middle with no passive aggressive shit.

You do realize that some people suffer from AVPD which makes rejection 100x more painful than to the normal person right? I know because I suffer with it due to constant rejection and ridicule from peers growing up. So this whole notion of "man up" is just not as simple as you make it seem.

I think what Libertine meant in "be a man" can be dumbed down to "just ask". Getting out of your own head is a challenge, but getting out of your own head lets you potentially get some head rubs.

My last play friend after a good two to three hours of tickling told me when she sensed I was "holding back" excitement (in an effort to be a gentleman, of course) "I can't help you if you don't tell me what you want". And me? I basically live with my fetish interests totally secret. But the times I unveil them, they're good times.

Use whatever diagnosis for your issues you like, just keep in mind you can stay comfortable and remain as you are or you can take a step, suffer a bit of discomfort if things don't turn out and tremendously enjoy yourself if they do.

 

[MeatyBreastedDullness]

Nothing wrong with that dude. Idk, by my standards I'm not a virgin but I've gotten far enough along to know where my trust reaches it's borders.

I've had my high and low points with dating.... and at 35 I'm still trying to see if I net anyone who actually meets me in the middle with no passive aggressive shit.



I think what Libertine meant in "be a man" can be dumbed down to "just ask". Getting out of your own head is a challenge, but getting out of your own head lets you potentially get some head rubs.

My last play friend after a good two to three hours of tickling told me when she sensed I was "holding back" excitement (in an effort to be a gentleman, of course) "I can't help you if you don't tell me what you want". And me? I basically live with my fetish interests totally secret. But the times I unveil them, they're good times.

Use whatever diagnosis for your issues you like, just keep in mind you can stay comfortable and remain as you are or you can take a step, suffer a bit of discomfort if things don't turn out and tremendously enjoy yourself if they do.

"Use what diagnoses for your issues you like" are you implying it's just an excuse? Because if so you are. 100% wrong

 

[TMF Jeff]

I've removed some non-helpful posts and replies from this.

As for me, I really like this thread - I know this isn't easy to be honest about, and I think you guys are doing the right thing sharing your feelings and letting the community talk it through with you.

Life is hard, everyone struggles one way or another. Hang in there and keep talking it out - getting these things out of your head can help you clarify them and find meaning.

And I'm really proud of this community for being so supportive. It would be easy to just shit-talk this thread, and most people are not having that impulse, which impresses the hell out of me.

To quote Michelle McNamara and Patton Oswalt - "It's chaos; be kind."

 

[goddess_nemesis]

I was 22 when I lost my virginity. Originally, I thought I'd wait until marriage. Religious upbringing had me believing my virginity was a precious gift. Then I thought I'd wait until I was in love. All I learned was that it felt good and I wasn't in love, though I cared about him.

In the decade since, I've learned a lot of about myself, including the fact that I'm asexual. While I'm not repulsed by sex, I'm indifferent. It feels good, but it's really not that big of a deal. At least to me. And I'm not alone. Asexual people do exist.

Still being a virgin, it's only a problem if you view that way. There's nothing wrong with being a late bloomer or still being one.

Sex in relationships need to be discussed. Being compatible is important to a lot of people. It also isn't the only way to create intimacy. Sex without love exists. Love without sex exists.

 

[Cosmo_ac]

IMO, there is nothing wrong with being a virgin. Having sex is ultimately a personal choice, and as strange as it may sound, some people simply don't want to engage in it. For those who do want to engage in it, that's fine too, but it is a little more complicated then most in that, just like murder, you need a second person, though unlike murder, you want that partner to be voluntary (little bit of dark humor here, don't kill me 😉 )


This can make it extremely difficult for some, either because of mental, emotional illness/problems, social ineptitude, or sometimes people are just extremely picky and can't find somebody who meets their standards. And of course, for some, they just don't see sex as that big a deal. There are plenty of reasons, and it doesn't matter what they are, they are your reasons. In the end, you're going to have to decide what you want.


If you're comfortable being celibate, thats great. Frankly, I think there are a lot of people out there who would be happy with that if they could manage it. If you don't want to be celibate, then you are going to have to get out there and do something about it. Maybe that means going out of the house to places of social gathering to find somebody, maybe that means becoming more comfortable with yourself physically or mentally, or working towards something like losing weight or stopping drinking or any number of reasons you feel that are getting in the way of you finding somebody else. The point is, you can't just wait for somebody to fall into your lap. If you do that, you'll blink and find yourself likely 5 years older and still without a SO. Go out, meet people, join clubs, work on yourself, and don't be afraid to take risks, because a life without risks isn't much of a life, no matter how difficult it can be sometimes. Nobody is going to do it for you. It's your life, so get in there and take it by the horns.

 

[gunpas]

Well, has anyone considered a sex doll?

 

[BOhio2008]

Removed

 

[RevyBL]

Lost mine at 15. No need for a deep connection or to pay in order to have sex with a woman, all she needs is to be attractive. I learned at a young age that the cold approach and being direct is the best way to go.

 

[isabeau]

Lost my virginity on my wedding night, forty one years ago august 12th...we were both virgins...

Sex is one thing, but not the main thing for a successful marriage..at least not to us it wasn't.

And in case you ask, which you may or may not ask since I probably won't see the question as the next time I log on here might perhaps be next year, we never had sex with anyone else.

O and uh it was 1978 and I was twenty two...I think lol...gonna be twenty three in November...

Guess how old that makes me now?

 

[milagros317]

Good to see you visiting here again, Isabeau. Nothing wrong with both of you being virgins on your wedding night, IMHO. 😀

 

[BlasterMaster]

I remember the first time my girlfriend (now my fiance) and I made love. It was, heh, an educational experience. I was afraid my long inexperience with sex due to my virginity would make me undesirable in bed but my fiance was patient, temporarily took the lead, and with that boost in confidence I found my inner Dom through the love of my life. Afterward a few more times of making love we began experimenting with various types of bondage, positions, and of course tickling. It's amazing how much my fiance was able to teach me, heh, sometimes your partner being the more experienced one can be a good thing. 😉 😀

 

[Bator]

Apparently, I'm a slut. I lost mine at 15 and I don't regret it in the least.

 

[ManInDistress]

I'm still a virgin at 33 and I gave up on sexual relationships years ago and I'm now oddly comfortable being alone, loneliness can be a major problem but it doesn't bother me like it used to. Perhaps the older you get the less likely you are to give a fuck, I don't really see the point of having sex at this point.

Virginity causes people distress in part because the harsh judgement and flat out hostility others can have towards you for being celibate and childless. There's no point in caring what other people think since you're the one who has to live your life and no one else but you gets a say in it. Not everything is for everyone.

 

[Alliekat]

I believe I was 21 when I finally went "all the way." It was honestly quite disappointing. The guy, who was a few years older than I was, carried himself as this debonair sex god, and I was just lucky to be in his bed. The reality was he finished really quickly and then acted really cold. Sleeping with him was a mistake, I was just feeling lonely I guess.

On the flip side, A year or two after that (and two boyfriends later) I was actually somebody's first. It was near the end of my senior year and I hit it off pretty well with a freshman. He was cute, very sweet and after a few dates confided in me that he was a virgin. I was initially on the fence about being his first for some reason, but the more time we spent together, the more I wanted to help him out. Long story short, it was wonderful. I was able to teach him and he was eager to learn and please. *sigh* I still remember him fondly

 

[Tenebrae]

I believe I was 21 when I finally went "all the way." It was honestly quite disappointing. The guy, who was a few years older than I was, carried himself as this debonair sex god, and I was just lucky to be in his bed. The reality was he finished really quickly and then acted really cold. Sleeping with him was a mistake, I was just feeling lonely I guess.

On the flip side, A year or two after that (and two boyfriends later) I was actually somebody's first. It was near the end of my senior year and I hit it off pretty well with a freshman. He was cute, very sweat and after a few dates confided in me that he was a virgin. I was initially on the fence about being his first for some reason, but the more time we spent together, the more I wanted to help him out. Long story short, it was wonderful. I was able to teach him and he was eager to learn and please. *sigh* I still remember him fondly

Awww, thank you for sharing that, it was a very cute story