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Chuck Norris

Chuck actually drew first blood. Then he kicked the shit out of all the week-end warriors before turning Rambo into Patrick from the SpongeBob Squarepants show with a well-placed roundhouse kick to the headband.
 
Chuck Norris won a staredown contest with one of those creepy Jesus pictures witht the eyes that always seem to follow you... They don't follow Chuck anymore...
 
Contrary to popular belief, Mary was not a virgin. Chuck impregnated her and the result was a bearded man named Jesus that could walk on water and turn stone into bread. He could not, however, throw a proper roundhouse kick. Chuck abandoned them and denied that Jesus was his son by proclaiming that Mary was a virgin. Everyone listened, because he is Chuck Norris.
 
The right number of Chuck Norris beard hairs added to any beverage can cure any ill. However, the wrong number will kill in a most unpleasant manner.

Imagine your heart roundhouse kicking your ribs out of your chest...

My experiments continue...
 
Chuck Norris once saw a "DO NOT WALK ON THE GRASS" sign. He stared at the grass until it burst into flames then said, "Chuck Norris walks where he wants.
 
A criminal once tried to rob Chuck Norris at knifepoint. Chuck laughed, gave him a gun, then disarmed him and roundhouse kicked him to the precinct 5 blocks away.
 
Running after a gazelle, catching it, then proceeding to eat it while it's still breathing is Chuck Norris' definition of "fast food".
 
Chuck Norris once walked an old woman across the street. When a car didn't stop for him, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the car so hard he created the first mini. Then he roundhouse kicked the old lady for good measure.
 
Chuck Norris does not leave messages. Chuck Norris leaves warnings.
 
Bigfoot does exist, he's just hiding because he cut off Chuck Norris at an intersection.
 
Aww...I've missed you!

Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
 
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
 
Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum briefly displayed a Chuck Norris wax figure. However, the curators began to notice bootprints on the disfigured faces of many of the surrounding figures. Also, many others seemed to have the eyes melted right out of the sockets. Chuck Norris was called in to help. He engaged his wax doppleganger in a staring contest. A mere 30 seconds later, the wax figure melted into an unrecognizable ball, which Chuck kicked into the sun. His parting words to the wax ball were, "There's only room for one Chuck."
 
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
 
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