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My Beloved Mom.. January 19, 1938-April 4, 2012

Thanks, bill,. I appreciate your condolences.

What you said about how I handled it.. is what my dad keeps telling me. He said I've been stronger than he thought. Today I've alternated. When she first passed, I had a hysterical crying fit, and kissed her after she was gone. I've since alternated calm with crying fits. I just had one a few minutes ago, asking why she left me. I want to try and be controlled, except at the funeral, because in the next couple of days, I'm going to finally be meeting my dad';s wife, and probably going to a family party with cousins I havent seen in 25 years. My mom's two sisters havent helped either. I've had screaming fights with them on the phone at least twice today.

I wont have comp access in NY. I'm going there from tomorrow afternoon, until I;m not sure when. I will continue to reply to this thread for as long as I'm home, and then will check it and reply when I return.

Mitch
 
My deepest sympathies my good friend. You are in my thoughts and prayers. If you need to talk to someone my pm box is always open.
 
Again,thinking out loud...

While my mom was sick for two years, I've known she was going to pass for seven weeks since the brain cancer diagnosis, and I'm relieved she is at peace, as heartsick as I am.. The two words together.. seem surreal. Mom.. Died.. It's like.. no, this isnt really happening, but it did.

As I've posted before, after my maternal grandfather, who I was very close to, died suddenly of either a heart attack or stroke in 1989, I didnt handle it well, staring at the ceiling in my grandmother's apartment for a week, and incurring her wraith, thinking it was only my loss.

When my grandmother died in 1995, I handled it better. My mom was very grief stricken, and I supported her.

This.. sticks me in my heart. Yes, I know she was sick, and yes, I knew it was coming, but now with her actually not here, I'm relieved she is at peace, and not suffering, but I ache and miss her. The hospital chaplin told me that it doesnt matter how old someone is, or what their living circumstance is.. the death of a parent is traumatic. For me.. let's see.. this week.. I get to.. bury my mom, meet my dad's wife, see cousins who I havent seen in 25 years, and talk to my uncle who I havent seen or talked to in 25 years. Granted, some of that was my holding grudges for hurt.. but.. nonetheless.

A lot of this is going to be excruciating for me. I know I have to take it day by day, week by week. Now, I mourn and grieve. Hopefully in time, it will get easier.


Then, I will have to pack, move, and do new work, plus deal with my dad more. I'm praying he is supportive now that I will agree to see his family, and that I'll be living near him. Maybe in a crazy way, he wont feel like he has to compete for my love with my mom anymore, because he's my only parent left.
 
Thanks, kurch.

Once again.. weird.. but.

Many times when the Mets and Braves play in NY, bad things happen to me personally. In 1995, I was supposed to go to a game with a former friend hours before my grandmother died. Tomorrow, the baseball season opens, with a series between the Mets and Braves at Citi Field. I dont know whether they play a game the day of my mom's funeral,, but still..

Mitch
 
I'm so sorry for your loss Mitch. You're right to take things day by day and hell, it can be hour to hour. Don't be afraid to do what you need to do in order to help yourself get through this, whether it's being surrounded by family or if you need time alone, know that's ok too. She was lucky to have you by her side and while you may keep replaying this morning over and over again in your head for a while, that will calm down eventually and instead be replaced with a sense of peace. My heart breaks for you but know you're going to be ok. Losing my mother was the most difficult thing I have ever been through but I am getting through it and you will too. She'll always be with you. People used to say that to me and I didn't get it until after she passed away. And I feel her presence with me always. There are so many signs of her around me, well, you'll see.

God Bless my friend. Let me know if you need anything, even if it's just an ear or a shoulder. :twohugs:
 
Thank you, Angel for your kind words.

What you said about hour to hour is true.. At times today, I was uncontrollably hysterical, such as when they thought my mom had stopped breathing, when she was actually pronounced dead at 605am, when I first walked in the apartment, and other times.


As for her presence.. all of her furniture that we lived with for years is here. I have to decide what to sell, get rid of, keep, etc. That will come in time. Being here alone in the apartment since March 5, is far different then now, because then I visited her several times a week in the nursing home. Now she is gone for good.

For tonight, I have to try and get some sleep, and take a 3 hr car trip to NJ to meet my dad tomorrow. I slept about 2 hrs both last night, and the night before. Unless something unexpected happens, I dont worry about the middle of the night hospital/nursing home calls I was getting over the last week. I can take my sleep med, and put my head down on the pillow. If I cant sleep, I will watch a movie. In less than 2 months, I will be living in a different place in a different city. That may be better.

Mitch
 
sorry to hear of your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
 
Thank you, Jo.

Thanks, Zen.

Thanks, Apxha. I appreciate it.

Mitch
 
Sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. Stay strong because that's what she would want you to do. Losing a parent is a horrible experience. I told my mother she needs to hang around for at least another 20 years! My thoughts are with you Mitch.
 
Thank you, prime.

My dad told me this morning that my mom would want me to go on and be successful in her memory. I know that. Right now I feel pain, loss, and longing, to have her with me. I know that in time, that will be put into perspective, and I will cherish the memories of wonderful times with her.

Mitch
 
I also wanted to post that I'm going to be out of town with no computer access from tomorrow afternoon until probably Monday, for the funeral, a family party with my dad's family on Saturday, and the aftermath. I certainly dont want him to know about this interest, and plan to get a second laptop for work once I move back. I will reply to this thread and any other posts when I come home, and discuss the funeral, etc.

Mitch
 
Probably won't be able to say anything that hasn't already been posted after 5 pages, but I offer my condolences and pray that God will heal your heart..
 
It's now exactly a full 24 hours since my mom left me to go to God and Heaven. A beautiful morning is dawning here in Lancaster. I'm packing to go to NY to see my family, and for the funeral tomorrow. I hope that my mom is happy at peace, and that she and God will shine down on me. Even though she isnt here physically to see me anymore, I know that somewhere, she is watching.

Mitch
 
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One other random thought. I may have posted about this before..

The Natalie Merchant song.. "Kind And Generous" describes my relationship with my mom perfectly. When Ms Merchant sings. "You've been so Kind And Generous.. keep on giving. For your kindness, I'm indebted to you". At the end of the song.. Ms Merchant sings over and over again. "Thank You, Thank You, Thank You".

I am indebted to my mom in so many ways for her kindness to me. Even though she can't read this post. I say this.. "Mom, thank you for all the love, generousity, and kindness, through the 42 wonderful years we spent together". I will carry your love and your kindness in my heart and soul forever.".

Mitch
 
So sorry to hear about your loss. My prayers are with you and your family at this time.
 
Thank you, carol. I appreciate your sympathy and your prayers.

Mitch
 
First full day without my mom.

It will begin with a 3 hrs drive to Fort Lee NJ, a town my mom and I lived in for a total of 14 years, first for four years in the 70s with my dad, then from 1989 to 1999 after the divorce. Lunch at a diner my mom and I used to eat at in the 90s. I'm staying at a hotel in NYC because my dad said his wife is upset. We will be meeting my friend Barney of 20 years for dinner. A hotel room myself is probably more comfortable than staying with my dad, since I dont know his wife.

This will be a step by step process. I know if my mom could still talk to me, she would say to me.. "My darling, I'm at peace, go on with your life". I will.. and I am.. but first there is a hole in my heart, a grieving process, and time needed for transition.

Mitch
 
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