Chuck Norris

[slacker2114]

If the flatulence thread stays alive, so does this one...

The Indians didn't beat General Custer. The Indians hired Chuck Norris to do it for them.

 

[tickleterror]

If the flatulence thread stays alive, so does this one...

Damn straight!

If your train leaves the station in Chicago at 3p.m. heading to New York at 50 miles per hour, and Chuck Norris begins at that same time to run from New York to Chicago on the same track going 20 miles per hour, how many miles away from your destination does your train experience a roundhouse kick-induced derailment?

 

[slacker2114]

Everyone believes that after Mike Tyson bit off Evander Holyfield's ear, that was the end of Mike's career. Not true. Several months later, Mike Tyson challenged Chuck Norris to a fight. That fight ended in a win for Chuck after Chuck ate Mike Tyson 0:02 into the match. THAT was the end of Tyson's career. And it was considered a win because Chuck Norris said so.

 

[tickleterror]

Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.

 

[nytoetapper]

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with C4 on a wire brush.

 

[nytoetapper]

When Chuck Norris' eyes get dry from staring at people till the implode, he moistens his eyes with tabasco sauce.

 

[tickleterror]

In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be "Norrisized".

 

[slacker2114]

Every day, Chuck Norris clears away 47 acres of rainforest by roundhouse kicking every tree, one at a time.

 

[tickleterror]

Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.

 

[nytoetapper]

Scientists at DuPont Labs are trying to create a fiber for use in bullet-proof vests that can match the tensile strength and flexibility of Chuck Norris' beard hair. If successful, the new fiber will be known as Norrisium.

 

[tickleterror]

A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.

 

[slacker2114]

A little known fact: after Monticore the tiger attacked one of his trainers, he then turned on Chuck Norris. Chuck stared at the tiger and it exploded.

 

[nytoetapper]

Every time Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks someone(or something), an angel gets it's wings...

 

[tickleterror]

Chuck Norris was expelled from pre-school when a friendly game of tag ended with 21 brutal deaths.

 

[slacker2114]

Chuck Norris recently went on a quest for world peace...by killing everyone else on the planet. Then he will finally have some peace.

 

[nytoetapper]

Two or three thousand years ago, Chuck Norris masturbated onto some low bushes in what is now California's Redwood National park...

 

[tickleterror]

Chuck Norris invented emo music bacause his death count of whiney teenagers wasnt high enough.

 

[slacker2114]

Pluto is no longer a planet because Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it out of the solar system.

 

[nytoetapper]

The sun rises in the east and sets in the west, cuz that's how Chuck Norris likes it...

 

[tickleterror]

Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.

 

[nytoetapper]

Because of his propensity for death and high body count, the great Grim made Chuck Norris and honorary reaper...

 

[tickleterror]

In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.

 

[nytoetapper]

Chuck Norris is registered as an organ donor... However, none of the donated organs were his... Nor were they removed by surgical instruments...

 

[tickleterror]

In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of American women lost their virginity to Chuck Norris. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly.

 

[slacker2114]

To Chuck Norris,there is no such thing as good people and bad people. It's just "people he's killed" and "people he hasn't killed yet".