Chuck Norris

[Tamia78]

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

 

[nytoetapper]

Chuck Norris can communicate with the dead... Although usually just moments before...

 

[tickleterror]

The movie "Invasion U.S.A." is, in fact, a documentary.

 

[nytoetapper]

When 50 NOAA climatologists were asked which event was more devastating, a hurricane or a tornado, they unanimously agreed... Chuck Norris.

 

[tickleterror]

As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

 

[nytoetapper]

Chuck Norris caused the fall of Rome because he doesn't like togas...

 

[tickleterror]

There were originally 11 commandments, but Chuck Norris didn't like the last one.

 

[nytoetapper]

The secret ingredient of your grandmother's spaghetti sauce is not love. It is a single Chuck Norris chest hair, dipped in the sauce for EXACTLY 3 seconds...

 

[nytoetapper]

Chuck Norris outlasts the energizer bunny.

 

[tickleterror]

Chuck Norris is sitting on a couch with a girl. She says "lets go have a little fun if ya know what I mean". He says, all right, whats your favorite position? She says, surprise me..He roundhouse kicks her in the face and she hits the floor unconscious. Chuck says, Spread Eagle.

 

[nytoetapper]

Chuck Norris bathes in hydrochloric acid... He says it makes him feel "tingly"

 

[tickleterror]

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

 

[nytoetapper]

Superman reads Chuck Norris comic books...

 

[tickleterror]

God did not orginally create man with facial hair, Chuck Norris simply willed it.

 

[tickleterror]

The reason Zeus and Odin both have beards is because they are both indeed Chuck Norris.

 

[nytoetapper]

How do you know if Chuck Norris likes you?

You're still breathing, aren't you?

 

[nytoetapper]

Chuck Norris inadvertently created the first Disco ball by hanging a fat guy in a rhinestoned leisure suit in his gym to use as a punching bag. Chuck Norris HATES rhinestones.

 

[tickleterror]

Chuck Norris once got tired of seeing a little girl run around in circles, so he nailed her other foot to the ground.

 

[nytoetapper]

Once on a dare, a lion put his head in Chuck Norris' mouth...

 

[tickleterror]

It is said that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. Every time God masturbates, Chuck Norris kills a lion.

 

[nytoetapper]

Chuck Norris tried to donate sperm, but the sperm kept kicking their way through the test tubes...

 

[tickleterror]

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

 

[nytoetapper]

A vampire once bit Chuck Norris... He turned into a werewolf...

 

[tickleterror]

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I
mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

 

[nytoetapper]

Chuck Norris thought "Platoon" was a comedy...